Sorrow...

"I'll never be more loved than I am right now

Wasn't holding You up

So there's nothing I can do to let You down

It doesn't take a trophy to make You proud

I'll never be more loved than I am right now.

Going through a storm but I won't go down

I hear Your voice

Carried in the rhythm of the wind to call me out

You would cross an ocean so I wouldn't drown

You've never been closer than You are right now..."

(Elevation Music)

Father God...you know our hearts, our minds, our very souls are linked with yours...death has become a close companion in the last 8 months, too close...and I question...I beseech...I move in prayer and tears...asking, hoping, searching for truth, for moving miracles into the fray...moving light into darkness...chasing away death and disease in young and old.

My heart cries out for mercy, for grace, for the Love of a Father who inhabits all things.

The heart sings out in prayer for miracles...for small mercies...for those in a circle of friends more like family for many, many years and remain so to this day and into the far reaching future, coming together to support each other, to pray, to assist, to encourage...

As we go about our days thinking, praying, sending love and comfort to those in the storm right this minute. May God keep them in the shadow of His mighty love...

I've been working at escaping the pain...through busy work, through swimming and walking, through good books that keep you engulfed in the chaos and criminal happenings in the life of someone else, so far removed from yourself it holds the aching heart at bay....but oh my friends, only momentarily, for the suffering will bubble its way to the surface; it will come on its terms, with no thought for time and place or space...sitting in the hot tub at the pool and watching the people around me enjoying normal, mostly I'm sure, lives with children capering, girlfriends giggling, boys being boys and acting too cool for school...

I sat and kept my face to the water as tears pushed their way to the surface...you see, no class whatsoever, no waiting for me to return home or at the very least back in my ride, weaving my way to cozy home and loving animals...

And so I learn...yes, even I can learn...you CAN teach an old dog new tricks in fact.

I take time when I am alone with my thoughts to clear the head, connect to the heart to see where I'm at...there are days I kick myself for pushing it back, stiff-arming it into submission until I am good and ready, which would be never...it is similar to child birth, you cannot wait to get that beach ball living and masquerading as your belly out out out, until that day comes and then you want to stuff that idea back where the sun don't shine...

Grief will find a way to be birthed in each person...and I am convinced that when left in that dusty box up on the shelf, you run the chance of becoming a bitter, hateful old person...living in regret, living with bottomless remorse and insufferable shame that drives you to your knees. I have met many such elderly...one of which was my Granny Smith...she was a feisty tiny lady (I have no idea where I came from...the women in my family are petite) with a heart as big as the grinches at the end of the movie, however, she was angry, bitter, unhappy most times...all I remember of her was that she was my granny and was told she loved me, however, the view out my particularly personal window was the growling, the muttering in frustration, the impatience with my young ginger self.

It took a hell of a lot to make me cry, even at the tender age of 7, I had learned the ways of three brothers who offered no quarter, no sympathy... somehow my gran managed, I ran to the safety of my mothers room seeping tears and so mad I could spit, but under it all wondering why she didn't love me...within minutes, never let it be said my mom put up with hurting her children, my gran was there to apologize, begrudgingly.

This...I did not, do not ever want to become that at the end of my life...I want to taste the rain on my tongue in a storm, ride the quad as fast as I dare, wind streaming through my hair, a wild laugh escaping my lips...I want to know love as deep as the ocean for the rest of my days, and give love as deep as the ocean for the rest of his days...I want to dig my toes in the sand of the Mediterranean while I look over an ocean as blue as the sky...I want to see my grandchildren grow tall and strong, wild and free, loved and cherished in every step of life...

These things we will have when the work is done, when we dig down deep and let the pain up and out...moving forward, always moving forward and never looking back, except to glory in the Hand of God moving you so far along the journey you can hardly see the one who destroyed your world so completely.

Oh yes, we are given a life to live...let us live it well and with goodness, kindness, compassion living within our souls to be tipped over into those who we come into contact with. Let us change lives by just our presence, giving love instead of hate, understanding instead of judgement...we can do so much as one people holding hands in love, in support, in encouragement, leaving behind jealousies and petty thoughts.

Death....death changes your perspective...near death alters your perceptions irrevocably on the matter of spirituality and every other level on the human experience spectrum...

Live dear friends....and more, love, love, love those you hold dear and those you do not know...each person fights a battle within, let us lend an ear, a shoulder, a handshake, a smile of kindness and grace...

Let us change this world one by one, with love, with justice, with grace, with our hearts. Let us fight for peace, for an end to abuse and evil doings...peacemakers all...

Sound farfetched? Perhaps...perhaps...but I think not....there are people in space, telescopes invented with such precision one can see galaxies and planets within, millions of light years away...anything is infinitely possible and probable....

Let us move in grace, speak our truth with kindness and humility, love with all we have and see new life emerge all round us...

May God bless you as you walk, as you move and breathe in this sometimes painful and sorrowful world...May He comfort you, strengthen you and give you grace to face each day with joy, despite grief and loss.