Soul Food

Sitting in my cozy little abode I contemplate the Christmas season and spending it with the ones I love; family, good friends and complete strangers.

As I prepare my mind for the onslaught of one more shopping excursion and wishing strangers Merry Christmas I move onto walking into my childrens homes and spending hours with them.

The hours with grandchildren, the noise of a large family, the cooking and the landmines I will be trying to avoid and I think... oh god it feels as though I am the walking wounded going into battle. Battle scars and fresh wounds sill healing over I realize that it will be a study in breathing techniques and overcoming anxiety.

This is what I get to take away from a 3 year relationship.

The open wounds that no one can see that will most likely be stepped on, brushed against and poked. And I worry.

' And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?' Matthew 6:27

And here is where I find peace... in the reminder that there is a God who loves us (or what/who you believe in :) and being raised this way and having a faith that I truly feel everyday (I'm still alive) I find comfort.

I am loved...

You are loved...

Dear hearts you are important and vital and have a spark that is different and so necessary for the world we live in. You give hope with a smile and affect those around you more than you will ever know. So please do not give up nor give in...

You are loved and you are important.

One person who does not see what is right in front of his/her face, devalues you to keep you in your place and heaps abuse upon your head... He is NOT the one to judge your worth by.

please read that again and again until it resonates within you...

Conversely he chose you for the very reasons he hates you... You are light, you are goodness and so smart and happy that he must bring you down in order to feed his ruined and fractured ego.

Do you see? If he doesn't do this, we will unknowingly and consistently reflect his own downfalls, his own horrible and evil thoughts... Like throwing a mirror up, he sees nothing but his festering exaggerated self opinion. Only once we are silenced, cowed, and beat down can he again sit upon his throne of lies and rule as he sees fit, do as he sees fit no matter how hurtful or betraying his behaviour.

He is god... from his own lips, my abuser would say...

'Call me master...'

'I am your god...'

I used to take it as a joke, as was his intention, until I began to truly see the grandiosity behind the mask.

How the king has fallen.

As many monarchs in the history books, he is his own worst enemy and will bring on his own destruction.

And thank lil baby Jesus I will not be there to see it happen and be part of the detritus left behind after battle. I am free and safe and finding my peace once more.

I wish and pray this for all of us dear ones. That we may find our peace and know joy and love and all that is good once again. That we may taste the sweetness of freedom from fear and will never go back.