Stumbles...

I have had occasion to stumble, to trip, to catch myself and stand again, taking a deep breath and surveying the damage. No damage...just the feeling of uncertainty in how to deal with praise without feeling suspicion...how to navigate the punch of male attention, the presence of a confident man who has no issue showing his appreciation, speaking his thoughts clear and true...i run for the hills, for a high spot to sit and observe the land, the movement, the speech, the cadence of words and tone...looking for holes, for machavellian machinations...

And so i find a new area of self-reflection, of work to be done. I come to see as a survivor i have hidden under the proverbial rock, buried my head in the sand in defense and protection and it is time to cast off all negative thoughts, think wisely and purposely, move with grace and fortitude...

I spend the day today once again with my charges and head to a mostly mennonite church with one of the residents...he finds comfort there amid the small town people he knows and is accepted, welcomed with open arms by. The Hymns dating back to the 19th century, i question if people back then just naturally had higher registers? And it matters not...there is comfort, kindness, compassion...and i will sit in that atmosphere and thank God for His grace...for His love that knows no boundaries, no restrictions...

The journey back is long dear hearts, and fraught with moments of frustration and the sheer need to be better, to heal, to leave behind the knee-jerk reactions we hide behind smiles...to leave behind the emotion that swamps and attempts to drown us where we stand. The beauty is that i stand with the sun upon my face, in a land free of rage, free of strife, chaos, battery, betrayl and sorrow as deep as space...

Free....free from fear of reprisal for nothing...i repeat nothing...examples you ask?

The laundry wasn't put away properly, despite telling you to not touch the laundry...

The dishes weren't done right, depsite never once touching them himself...

The house was a disaster, despite their tools and general sh*t laying around cluttering up an unfinished floor, unfinished kitchen and dining room...

Reprisal...over a word, a tone, a step to the right, a move to the left....

You see where i'm going with this i imagine...the fuel for the fire doesn't matter, just the imaginary excuse to throw the tantrum worthy of a four year old.

Dear dear treasures...you are worthy of more than that unrest, the danger you live with, the poison infiltrating every crevice of your being...all while trying to love them, forgive them, pray them into kindness and compassion.

That fight is between their maker and themselves...you deserve loyalty, committment, kindness, compassion...LOVE...the real kind, the kind you give out.

My prayer for you today is one of truth...of revelation and the courage and strength to accept that which you cannot change.

May God bless you with love beyond your imagination, peace that encompasses all you do and say and the grace to move, to go, to step out and away.