Tears....Love...Sorrow

With a mighty stretch this morning I awoke with a heart of sorrow for a life lost, of grief as yet unexpressed and respect for a life lived with purpose...a life lived with faith and determination...a life dedicated to any who would step into his view. He wasn't perfect...he made mistakes, was human, and yet...there was no give-up in his heart, rather a calm force of nature. I listened to the eulogies spoken, to the words describing his role in their lives and was touched...moved...grounded.

I had rarely seen or spoken to him in the past 10 + years but I will never forget the influence he had on my life as a teenager and young adult. While we butted heads occasionally over differences in opinion, respect was never an issue. I knew I could sit down with him at any time and have a conversation...that if he saw one of my children he would take the time to speak with them and impart moments with humour, stories and wisdom.

I spent time yesterday with a multitude of people I had not seen in years, a church family that still to this day gives comfort and unconditional love. As a close friend said...'you was so popular...' I felt surrounded and overwhelmed with love and laughter...I felt seen....heard...remembered.

Driving home after, music turned down low I reflected, digested, and marvelled at the grace and spoken love...at a funeral. I put a crick in my neck just shaking my head over the dichotomy of the circumstances...the irony of a death bringing life...showcasing love...

And yet.....this I spoke to his boys...boys I had babysat as children, loved as teenagers and young adults, and now with beautiful wives and children...It is exactly as he would have wanted it. A celebration, a bringing together of people to remember the love and to extend that to one another. To laugh...to love...and to carry on that legacy...

Exhaustion settled on my shoulders as soon as I began the drive home...the hugs from friends, from people I considered family...considered mine, within my circle...the acceptance for who I am...for me...from those who have known me since I was a young teen was precious, priceless...and brought about by the passing of a mentor, a father figure who I loved dearly despite differences in thinking....and I thanked God and shook my head once again at the craziness of it all, the absoluteness of coming full circle.

This is life my friends....putting down roots, wherever and however that may be and family, be they blood relations or those with no familial ties...they bring life...and remind us of who we are...they remind us of where we stand...seen and heard, not lost...not forgotten...

Necessary....

Loved...

Needed...

Shaky ground has become solidified....shadows have departed....the skies opened, cleared above me... I thank God for small mercies...for those who have loved me, and love me still.

I am not alone...no, never alone. I have an army of fellowship seekers, of family standing behind and beside...

We, dear hearts, are loved. While we may feel lonely at times, we are never truly alone....we need only reach out a hand to the side, a hand outstretched behind and before us to find that we, in fact, have all we will ever need. Never alone my friends....

I rest today in that knowledge....and I pray that you would be shown, given the knowledge of your worth, of the need for you and just you and what you bring to this world. Needed and necessary...loved and accepted....to find the bravery, the courage to just be you...the beautiful you that you do not see....my prayer for you today is that when you look in the mirror you would truly see what others see when they look at you....beautiful one, stand in your truth, in your grace and walk out your own unique path...

I leave you with this today, with a grateful heart, with a soul filled with thankfulness and full of a love that I thought gone and never to be seen again. God is a God of miracles...

In a heartbeat, in a swift moment of time...I was brought to tears of joy...In an instant, a blink, my cup was filled as I gave out love, condolences and memories....

Filled with a 'Peace that passes all understanding....' I struggle to put into words how one afternoon has affected me and left me standing turning in circles, viewing a landscape that just hours before had been bleak... a desert wilderness filled with bones, with death creeping in at the edges....I turn slowly and see flowers blooming where minutes before had only been the tiniest of green shoots....and I marvel....

My gratitude to the ones who have no idea of how they spoke into my heart, into my spirit yesterday is unbounded, without borders....it stretches far into the future and I hug it close....

Dear hearts....take it in....and give it out, for you will be rewarded a hundred, a thousand fold....God is faithful and sees and more, knows exactly what you need in this season...He walks beside you, holding you close....do not lose faith, do not give up nor give in...you have come far too far to give up now....turn and truly see the ground you have covered, the growth...astronomical given what you have been through. I pray that He will give you eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart of understanding...for you are lovely and all that is beauty and grace. This is truth my friends....listen not to the lies that have been spoken over you...it is time now for truth, time to know it deep down inside...

Go with God today, and everyday forward may you know your worth.