That Mountain...

You gave...and gave...and gave...you continue to give in the hopes of teaching the one you love, how to love you back....You are climbing an unclimbable mountain, scaling an unreachable height, diving to depths unfathomable....dear dear lost soul, you are dreaming the quintessential impossible dream...you believe you are lost and unseen and still you give, believing that you will be seen if you 'just work harder, give more, love more, forgive more, pray more...' The truth is dear hearts that the one you hope with all you have finally truly sees you, is the lost boy, the one who is truly lost...lost in a wilderness of their own making and yet, they cannot find their way back...lost in a chaotic mix of need, heartbreak and greed...greed and belief in the right to take whatever fills the cavernous, yawning hole...to stem the tide of brokenness and confusion, to hold back the waves of remorse, of a conscience that screams at them to stop the madness.

To this day, the thought continues to return...with less frequency, thank God... and as it dutifully dropped in, in the wee hours of the night and early this morning as I woke to a cool morning breeze lightly across my pillow and face...I reflected on the thought as I brewed a much needed hot cup of heaven, sat and sipped and took it to God. The thought that somehow I could have done something different, something more...

I saw scenes flicker across the landscape of my mind...seen from a distance, from a safe place...I saw the pain, the heartache and the overwhelming love coming from a wellspring almost drained dry....siphoned out and out and out...putting out fires, watering the soil of his soul....taking time to draw from God, to ask for more....to beg for grace and forgiveness and a heart of love....finally, I am seeing the truth, dear hearts. The truth of what was given, what was taken...and crushed underfoot, over and over again.

I hope you hear my heart in this post dear friends....I have been where you stand, where you cower, where you hope and pray, where you despair....and I stand with you now and write in the hope that you will see what you have given, and the destruction that is being heaped upon your spirit. If it is causing you heartbreak, heartache...if it causing you to despair and to doubt your worth...it is not where you should be...true love does not dump you in a pit of self-loathing, of self-hatred...no lost ones, love lifts....love gives....love supports and upholds....love puts you first, never last....love does not reset goals, does not move the touchdown line, making it impossible to ever reach that 'loveable' state.

You....are....loveable...as....you...are....

You are grace and mercy...

You are hope and love in human form....

You are radiant....you shine in the dark places, providing light to the lost.

If they will not accept you as you are and wish to dim that light...snuff out the light in you...dear friends, you are far too precious and important to stay...to continue to pour out and never be poured into. Too precious...loved...needed...necessary....

Take up your confidence once more and see your worth. See your worth warriors and step out of that which kills your spirit...it is not defeat to walk away from a battle that will never win the war. The greatest Generals would pull back, retreat and regroup in order to fight where it would win the war. Not defeat...no.

A wise young woman (my daughter) once told me...'mom, you can't make someone love you...' It hurt...yes, it ached and stabbed and clawed at the insides, but I recognized the truth. I had tried my whole life to have the important men in my life love me...to no avail. And yet...their were ones who truly loved me, needed no work from me....my 'uncle' Paul comes to mind...that quietly strong man would just look at me as a young child, with maintained eye contact and smile...and I would run into his ever accepting arms...a trust built that no matter what, I was unconditionally loved by him, accepted by him....that I made him uniquely happy.

That, my friends, is love. The open arms of another human being who sees the deepest parts of you and smiles with joy, with love.

I leave you with these thoughts...for the ones still in the pit, for the survivors, and for friends and family of those suffering at the hands of another. Remember to extend love, to extend compassion and kindness...to just sit with, to just be with those wandering the wilderness. They will make it out...with the help of your love, your light to guide them.

I know...it was the unconditional light of love that kept me above ground...the love of those who never gave up on me. My heart is full...my heart is so humbly thankful and brought to tears by the smallest of kindnesses, the smallest of compassionate gestures....a thirsty soul drinking in the goodness all around me, the beauty of God's creation and my place in it...the provision of a Father who never leaves me nor forsakes me...the constant and consistent exposure to a wilderness full of God's creatures; that shiny massive black bear, the deer flicking their ears at my voice, the fish jumping in water so clear you swear you can see for miles, the cow and calf moose calmly chewing the tender shoots alongside the lake...

Do not give up on hope, on love, on new beginnings dear hearts....nothing is impossible to God...I am a witness to it every minute of every day of the bounty God has waiting for all of us. The light at the end of tunnel grows larger and brighter with each passing moment.

I encourage you to seek, to see what God has for you around that next corner, through that valley and up and over the next mountain....inexpressibly beautiful...each step brings you nearer to your purpose and a life filled with joy, with a love that builds beside you and in you...with a grace and dignity that defies the odds, that belays the pain and heartache within...God be with you this day and every day forward, holding you up, helping you stand when you fall, when you falter....May He make a way, forge a path for you to life and love immeasurable...