The Absurd

It should not surprise me to 'see' the abuser living a life of denial and smearing my name to any and all who will listen, casting the blame for abuses back onto me.

It should not surprise me to see him shifting the focus onto me, using coined terms to explain the 'why' he was abusive. The favourite at the moment and quite possible the only square peg that will somewhat fit into the round hole, is 'reactionary Abuse.'

I laugh in dismay.

I laugh in shock.

I laugh at his inability to truly see the truth.

I laugh at his inability to truly comprehend the description of reactionary abuse and understand that his physical abuses, his verbal beat downs, his sexual abuses, his mental and emotional neglect and abandonment abuses do not fall under the reactionary abuse.

definition.

Reactionary Abuse:

During an act of abusive violence, it is common for an abused person to lash out toward their abuser. They may scream, cry, use insults, or even physically defend themselves against the attack. In turn, an assailant may retaliate against them by claiming that the victim is in fact the abuser.

This is called reactive abuse, informally referred to as “gaslighting.” Reactive abuse can also occur in situations of verbal abuse, psychological abuse, or physical abuse.

From being told that I am the easiest of people to live with...

(a description of someone who has been taught to not complain, to be over-productive to maintain peace, and agreeable past the point of rational thought)..... to causing his reactionary abuse.

From someone who had control of every last detail of our relationship... this is just absolute hogwash.

The dichotomy of complaining that I never do anything by myself, for myself... yet being yelled at or worse for going somewhere on my own. Something as simple as coffee with a female coworker would set him off for days....

The contradictory nature of his demands vs. reality was as vast as the ocean is deep.

And here is the understanding I came to this morning during my usual routine....

There will never, (and I can fully say this with certainty) ever, ever, ever, ever be closure with an abuser.

It comes to mind that this, my dear friends, this is the definition of insanity.

The continuous pattern of going back for another round, another chance at love, my god the thought that this time, this time will be different. This is our insanity... this is where we fall into that category.

It is with a sorrowful heart and a weary soul that I admit and confess the insanity I stepped into with my particular monster.

That love would conquer all... that the lies he told were true... that this time he would keep his word... that this time the promises he made would be carried out and our future cemented in love.

Just reading my own words makes me cringe and yet... isn't that part of us something to be admired? That we never give up on the ones we love? It is....

Love is....

Faith is...

Hope is....

Until it isn't... until we finally admit that we were wrong to believe in someone who so clearly had/has no regard for love, for promises, for anyone other than himself.

The Faith, hope and love doesn't just disappear despite the experts and amateurs telling us that it is 'just trauma bonding.'

There is truth to this.... I do not dispute.

What I do dispute is the 'just' part of that theory. Love is love no matter how it forms, no matter if we fall in love with a construct, a version of themselves that isn't real.

Don't you see? It is as real to us as death and taxes.

It lives within us, growing and expanding until we are near to bursting with the emotions...

Within that abuser/monster is a version of themselves that is as real as the monster is.

This is who we fell in love with... Unfortunately it is not the version that exists as the top dog so to speak. This version is weak and afraid and pushes the dominant trait to protect at all costs.

Barring a miracle of gigantic proportions, love will never rise to the top and create a sane environment for a healthy relationship with an abuser. They have been doing this for too long to allow anything or anyone to become important enough to cause them pain, ever again.

And so the delusion continues... that none of the problems within the relationship were their fault... it is yours.. .yes it must be the woman(man) in their lives.

And in a truly protective and proactive thought process they cling to this lie and move onto the supply they had waiting in the wings for just this development.

Do you see the incredible depth of neurosis in their thinking?

I cannot begin to explain the workings of the mind of an narcissistic abuser (sociopath/pyschopath). But I can explain how it has affected my life... my mind, my heart and my soul... and in a more practical sense, financially and professionally.

I have gone from having no room to maneuver in any direction with the abuser in my life, to having too much room and no clear direction. This is what leads to feeling lost... you believed you had your life mapped out... you thought. The reality is, the future was never certain living in that fight or flight life. That... well, that's our own version of being unrealistic.

I was unrealistic in my expectations of the man I loved... And hear my heart on this dear ones....

It was not your fault....

This unrealistic view was painstakingly created by the very person you thought you could trust.

When reality begins to seep in you do not quite trust it, for it is contrary to everything that has been handed to you. Contrary to the character they showcased to slowly but inevitably reel you in. However, eventually that reality becomes so glaringly obvious that we have no choice but to acknowledge the truth.

We have/had been living a lie.

Oh the heartbreak... the heartbreak of betrayals, the heartbreak of the truth.

It is no wonder that we feel as though we are made of glass, that with just one touch we will shatter into a million pieces, pieces we will never be able to pick up and use to repair the damage.

However.... we will recover... we will repair.... we will be whole again...

yes, there will be scars and wounds that stay with us for the rest of our lives. They are our battle scars dear hearts... and they will serve us in the future. They will keep us from making the same mistake with the same type of predator.

There will be someone who views us as a miracle...

We are worthy of all that is good and lovely... we are.

Remember compassion for yourself...

Remember kindness for yourself...

Remember Love for yourself...

Remember patience, hope, faith and all that is good... for you.

Closure will come when we no longer cling to the thought that we can save them and shake the dust off our feet as we walk away. Forever.

That... is closure.