The Church...

**Trigger warning**

I have had the pleasure of being inside some beautiful churches, with beautiful souls occupying that space... plain jane churches and some in between...some with extraordinary worship teams, song leaders, and some that would put your ear on edge, find you tilting your head to adjust to the sounds coming from the single trombone, the harmonizing somewhere between the half-note and outer space....and yet...and yet the intent is all encompassing, the sameness evident in each person up on that stage...a need to praise God, the one they believe in and have their breath in and from.

Last week I mentioned taking a resident to church and sitting after amongst the kind hearts, most elderly, surrounding us in the coffee area.

It is a habit formed long ago to observe, catalogue, perceive and gauge people around me...every experience personal and work related has only reinforced the need to do so with impunity. I sit and sip church coffee and nibble on mennonite baking, the juxtiposition of that oxymoron is not lost on me...

It matters not that I am in a church...people are the same everywhere...where am I going with this you may ask...it is one that I cringe in writing, a truth that is hard to accept, to swallow after the many years I spent in such environments, the wonderful souls I have had the fortune to meet and remain friends for decades after...and yet the push is on me to write, to speak truth, gently...with grace, with mercy, with understanding that we are all fallible...

'All have fallen short of the glory of God.'

While I encountered kindness, while I received welcome, I also encountered jealousy, envy, suspicion, derision, and a full on 'checking you out' look from the top dog. Caught in the act, my look over the shoulder was not noticed until I fully turned to make eye contact...no longer will I enable, hide, push under the rug for those in a position of supposed authority...

...when I came up against a woman not much younger than I and her words spoken to catch me up, I sat a moment holding her gaze and spoke truth, kindly...gently...until she looked away and spent the remainder of my time at that table speaking to her friend, thinking her lowered gaze, her lowered voice would not convey that they were in fact continuing the conversation about me, without me.

I pray you hear my heart on this dear hearts...these are only two of the observations made amongst many...it is not that they are out to truly hurt the 'new' meat that walked in the door...amongst all the good, all the kindness, all the mercy, there are those who hide their true nature behind smiles, behind the veil of the church. The shame, the blame, the responsibility lies with them as they do their work behind the scenes and at times, as in this snap shot moment, let it rise to the top and out their lips.

Naricissism is alive and well in the church...it is the perfect hiding place for elevated thinking, for power and authority to be wielded and misused.

This post is a warning...a signpost if you will. Meant to be conveyed with humility, with the humblest of hearts, with the understanding that none of us are perfect...spoken with the best of intentions for the lost ones, the survivors who wander in the door; every nerve ending exposed and twitchy...align yourself with kindness, with compassion...understand and have confidence in your perceptions of others...hyper-vigilance and hyper-alertness have not failed us before and it is NOT a hindrance, not something that needs to be laid down and dismissed. It is the survivors secret strength, their bulwark, their walls of granite and stone...built up through battles royale, strengthened on a battlefield beyond comprehension, beyond imagining.

I understood finally as I sat listening to the voices and many conversations going on around me...monsters abound and they are not limited to outside the church family, instead they thrive, they grow, they multiply in the garden of love, of compassion, of forgiveness inherent to that life. Every need can be met in such an environment...what they dredge for and suck from the life of their current victim can be found in large supply within the body of Christ.

So this post comes again, as a warning...to be careful, to be vigilant you do not fight for freedom and escape from your abuser, only to jump into another form of the same type...insidious and evil, hidden within certain people behind those hallowed walls.

Hear my heart this morning my friends...the church itself is a wonder...a community of like minded people praising a God who lives, who loves, who works on our behalf to slay enemies in our lives....truly, some of the best people I know come from a church I attended years ago...take the shirt off their own backs type of people...

What I also know from experience is that it can be a nesting place for the narcissistic personality, the sociopath seeking comfort and all the pieces missing from their psyche.

Tread carefully dear treasures...'be wise as serpents and harmless as doves....'

Stand tall and speak your truth...walk it out with a sense of pride and confidence...you have made it out of the fire, have walked a treacherous path and come out the other side...carry a big stick and wield it with foresight, with wisdom, with grace...place those barriers round your heart and let in only those who do not trigger your innate inner radar...

Go with God today and each day forward knowing your worth...He has made you worthy, has created you fearfully and wonderfully well...unique, necessary, loved, as you are...accepted, cherished....