The Circle of Love....

Once again this morning I sit with grief...I move it, squeeze it, push it away only to see it rebound back to me harder, quicker, sharper...another loss in my circle of forever friends and I sit with my friends who have gone on to a better place, to a home of peace promised, love without borders, joy unspeakable and those they know and have missed. A reunion of laughter and love and light.

Once again truth, life, guiding principles become the focal point of the day, the week, the month, the year and on into the future.

I love harder...speak more...talk less...

I smile often...share words of kindness and understanding...

Dear hearts...how life is pared down to absolutes, to priorities in the face of death and loss, sorrow and grieving...

Everything grows in stature while all things of silliness, pettiness, selfishness fall away.

I deliberate...I reflect...I seek...answers that will never come until one day we meet in that far off place of rest.

Prayers of love, of comfort, of peace go out to family of a man who embodied just that...a man of such upright character and grace and a sense of fairness for all, he shone...no judgement placed on not one person, only acceptance and grace...mercy from a man who understood human failing, a man who beat addiction many, many years ago, who embraced change for better. Who, over ball games, family birthdays, beer and the kind of laughter that hurts your sides, loved and was present for each one.

Every time I think on this friend, the hot scent of ball fields, sweat, beers, shots, yells, cheers, screams will rise and surround me in memories; and oddly enough a card game with my two youngest, one who thought to cheat the old people in the room ( old people Dale and Tim and myself). With a laugh at his brother's frustration in losing to a card shark at the tender age of 9 and an indulgent, understanding smile at my son he declared war between them, and it was on.

I speak of my life-long friend this morning with love, with tears, with laughter at the hijinks of the man who influenced not only my own life, but the lives of my four children, in small ways..in large.

Our time is short dear hearts...a blink, a thought, a breath...love hard, forgive more, leave judgement behind and accept others for where they're at, not where you think they should be. Its a large and in charge issue...I see it so often, and am just as fallible as the next person.

Acceptance....not for evil, but for mistakes, for growth, for the young and uneducated, for the inexperienced and green...never for abuse, for toxicity...you can love and accept them for where they are from afar. Free from the torment, from grief caused by actions and selfish pursuits.

Love where you are accepted, cherished and loved right back. Those who are off in left field, the right, or high in the cheap seats...pray, love, accept and move with your purpose, your healing, on the path set out just for you. They will come along in peace, in love or continue on where they are.

One day my friends we will once again see our loved ones...this I believe...creation is far too mysterious to just wink out of existence. There is a place we all go...a place of love, light and forgiveness. A place of gladness...a place of purity and peace from whatever earthly pain we suffered. Yes...this I believe and know and have my being.

God loves...without reservation...He waits, without impatience or disgust. He sits on his throne and weeps for his children, each one.

Imagine creating a race of people, loving every single one who draws breath...knowing who they could be, can be...and seeing them fall, watching them hurt, grieve, fight and kick against the pricks, never understanding that to accept, to turn, to let it all fall is where our salvation lies...in humility, in understanding of the human condition.

We fight to live another day....those who fight to protect, to serve, to guard against enemies unknown...bless them all. Peacemakers...necessary to guard against strife, chaos and usurpers. On a smaller scale this my dear treasures, this is what we do first for ourselves and then those within our circle of love.

Try to explain this to evil, to toxic narcissists, to psychopaths, sociopaths...there is no basis, no foundation for understanding. They were never taught emotional regulation, never taught understanding, forgiveness and mercy. Taught only hate...witnessed strife and overwhelming chaos and violence in the home, and turned to the same routine.

They know it...they truly do. Conversations between the monster and myself, between the abuser, the evil doer...showcased his knowledge of the mother he fought so often with. The lack of emotional intimacy, the lack of love, the machiavellian machinations rife in the home.

He knew...he was the same and would state his need and want for something different.

To this day I do not know if it was a lie...if he only spoke of these things to garner empathy and compassion.

What I believe in my heart...they know...they have sober moments of thought and reflection...the difference is they shun it, shove it down into a hole filed and filled with every stray regret, every unexpected second of remorse, and slam the door shut, lock it with every locksmiths top recommendation and walk away free and light as air...never to struggle under pain and guilt, never to seek change.

It is why the pattern never changes. Each new victim treated to the same discourse, to the same game plan. Boring...uninventive...unimaginative drivel day in, day out. No wonder they are angry, frustrated, unsettled in all their ways....they live life as a Groundhog Day excursion, living the same day over and over and over with some major female character changes.

This is a long one today...I find I have much to say...much to feel, much to sit with and ponder over. May you go forward today and each day ahead with grace, with mercy but more...with understanding, with discretion, with wisdom over all, coating and blanketing each decision made. May you go in the knowledge you are worthy, special, unique and needed. May you understand your worth...oh I pray this today...for you, for me, for every struggling lost one. See it...know it...live it. You deserve it. Truly.