The Fist...

As I worked the day yesterday...dealt and felt...sweat and tears alternately tracking down my face, as I stood and looked over my work and felt the frustration and pouty-ness from my crew member at having to work first, play second....leaving her to do her thing, knowing I would have to convince her when I was done to continue until all was done to satisfaction...as I ate lunch alone on a quiet beach amongst God's beauty, smoke for the moment lifting from the lake, sun shining through lighting up the calm, pristine water...I pondered life, I pondered my tendency to go under...the white noise overlaying all emotions and thoughts, allowing small amounts to filter through slowly, oh so slowly.

Oh dear hearts....a final tether has been severed....and I float on a sensory free sea...cradled by the loving arms of a Father who never leaves us nor forsakes us. Even the hijinks of my crew cannot disturb the place of safety I finally realize He has placed me...emotionally, spiritually, mentally....I feel the aches and pains physically I haven't felt in months hit me later in the day...post court...post nearness to someone who had so much control over every part of my being.

I sit in much needed silence as water laps near my feet...as a hawk cries from high overhead...I cry out to God for answers, for wisdom....and I feel comfort, I feel love, I feel the word 'rest.' It was only when I reached home yesterday that I began to understand some of the fall-out from Mondays excursion, from the adventures of falling for a monster...

Reaching my hand out to the door, speaking nonsense to the feline at my feet I slide the key into the lock and stop....and felt a clenched fist deep within, oh dear friends so far under I had no idea it was even there. I felt that fist begin to uncurl...infinitesimally but my God, I do not know if I can describe the relief, the absolute joy of seeing, feeling, knowing that something clenched and held so tightly is loosening within.

As I stepped in my cozy lil love shack I finally understood something vital...with a house arrest condition for the next 3 months placed upon the accused, I no longer have to listen for every vehicle driving by, slowing down, speeding past...no longer do I have need to case my property before driving up to the house. Slowly...inch by inch releasing fear....foot by foot dropping off the scales of eminent death...he has been defeated regardless of what sentencing was meted out.

He is no longer free to go as he pleases...the very thing he shouted, cursed about...his freedom...no longer his. And the fist releases a tiny bit more....

Oh, I am free dear friends...free indeed....

Martin Luther King Jr. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”Jan 4, 2021

God knows my friends...He knows exactly what we need, when we need it and understands us as no other can...as only the closest of brothers or sisters (friends) can, and beyond.

I did not know I had something hidden so far down that only when justice was somewhat served would I know some release from that readiness, from that hyper vigilance.

Go today dear treasures and know this...that as you stand for you, no matter who drops away or tells you to drop it, to let it go....as you stand for what is right, for what is true and stand for that broken child, broken woman within...oh my friends, light is found...hope is born...joy and peace are created, self esteem and self assurance are gifted.....

There is only good to come from advocating for yourself....you award yourself with strength, with courage, with knowledge, with wisdom....with worthiness.

Do you see? Do you know how good it can be? Take a stand and watch your life unfold like the most beautiful of blooming flowers....it is good, it is well....

Oh it is well with my soul...I feel sorrow and yet the joy taking over...

I feel grief and yet the peace that seeps in to fill every dark corner...

Stand dear lost ones, dear survivors...warriors each one of you..stand and taste freedom, taste goodness....

You are worthy....as I stood in that courtroom and felt the presence of each loved one hovering round about in prayer, in support...I felt a sense of self-worth I cannot begin to explain. As I stood before the judge and spoke of times past and present I felt my courage grow, felt knowledge of worthiness exponentially expand.

Go today in that knowledge dear hearts....I pray that you would begin to see, to feel, to know your worth....walk tall, stand proud and carry a big stick...