The Heart Bleeds...

One day....one day I will be free from this love that resides, hides, taken root within the recesses of my heart, my mind, my spirit. One day. This is my prayer, every. moment of every day. Is it the reaching for the unattainable things, unreachable heights? Is it reminiscent of childhood hurts, childhood striving for love, for affection, for acceptance...is it as simple, as complicated as all the years of heartache and rejection thrown into the whirling blender of past feelings? I fly on wings of angels...I recognize the joy in the smallest of moments, the happiness of conquering a mountain...and still, I push...I prod...I poke...

And still I question my abilities...strive to do better, be more, find success....

And still my mind echoes with doubt, with failure, with words meant to poison and leach joy, passion and happiness from the soul...

Dear hearts...it is a see-saw of emotion, not from one day to the next...oh no, from one moment to the next...to feel a prisoner to ones own thoughts and grief can be overwhelming...the mastering of these times of doubt and sorrow is a battle Royale...a fight for supremacy...the good news my friends is this....over time the pushing away, the squelching of that stray thought, the cutting off of the poisonous lies spoken over you becomes easier, second nature...like the swatting away of an annoying mosquito...commonplace, normal...

I encourage you to sit...to just sit in God's presence...however that may be for you. For me, its the hot cup of heaven in the morning, the few seconds alone on the trail amongst His stunning creation, in the position of rover amidst the calls and laughter of the team...

I have found those precious intense seconds of grounding wherever I may be...taking the time to listen only to the sound of my own heartbeat and the fullness of God's presence. Surrounded, held, loved, cradled in the arms of a Love like no other. Oh yes, I yearn some days for the feel of arms around me, the sweetness of a first kiss and many after...mightily missed the physical comfort of a body beside me, arms around me...I am human, still.

And yet...I have felt the arms of God around me and been humbled...laid low with a love that knows no borders, knows no judgement...only acceptance. I have felt seen, heard and known...to the bottom of my stained soul, to the dark depths of a distraught spirit...brought back from the abyss, carried out of the pit of hopelessness and despair....Loved...spoken to on rocky mountain terrain, whispered to on winds blowing across lakes, mighty and small alike. Never alone dear friends....that deer that steps out of the forest and with no fear stands in solitude with you, ears flicking this way and that...nose quivering, scenting the air....the fox that sits and watches as you walk by...the solitary raven/crow that flies to a nearby tree branch, settling its wings and cocking its head as it watches you....

Too many miraculous moments to count and I stand in humility and thankfulness to a creator that shows me in so many ways His love for me...

Stand tall dear hearts and take it in...soak it in....it is all round you, this love, this acceptance...this Love. Go with God today and walk in His love for you. You are seen, heard and known...always.