The Hooks...

So much to say, so much to get out, I feel I can barely set fingertips to keys quickly enough. I had errands to run today and while driving through our quaint lil village I had an epiphany, a moment of brilliance (the shiny kind, not the intelligence kind) upon a subject hard pressed to provide answers.

Later at the pool I continued with this line of self-reflection sitting in the sauna...in a moment of sheer determination to rip from myself every last bit of angst, pain, sorrow, anger, grief, I imagined pulling on the emotions seething inside me...pulling, yanking and felt instant resistance...a physical sensation centred just below the heart, a sharp pain, deep and long lasting.

With no hesitation I released in a gasp and opened my eyes...

Dear friends...the trauma incurred within a relationship, whatever the status, whether it be parent, partner, husband/wife etc, is not something to be either abandoned entirely, in the hopes of it healing on its own, nor yanked out willy nilly in an attempt to forget...in a desperate measure to rid oneself of the seemingly everlasting work to be done.

So...when someone next tells you to 'just let it go,' inform them this is absolutely detrimental to my physical and mental wellbeing. I would love to just let it go, move on, live life to the fullest in one step...no A to B, no 1-2-3...no quick step guide to overcoming trauma...the psychological warfare, the battles being fought on a spiritual level...non-believers will scoff and laugh it off but oh, those who know, know. The spiritual is on a level, in every evil way imaginable, that it is really truly hard to miss.

The moments of hair standing on end, the times you swore you saw more than your partner standing over you...a shadowing, a darkness in face and form.

These stops along the timeline of our lives, these full stops that happen with frightening regularity set hooks extensively, deeply, within our psyches....fishing hooks set with large barbs to hook and set the supply, the victim they have determined to conquer.

We, the lost ones, slowly disappear...memories, our lives before the Monster Masher appeared, gone...for a time I looked at pictures from years ago and felt the strangest of shocks as I viewed snapshots of my life with my children, with my friend and x-husband gone to be with God...it was as though a stranger stood with family, with friends...on beaches sporting palm trees and oceans as blue as the sky above...at the home built with my own two hands along with Father-in-law and two wonderful carpenter friends...with beloved dogs and children capering round in the background...not erased, but filmy, blurry, unfamiliar, like waking from a long-term coma...

It is a phenomenon rarely spoken of...and one I have yet to find in the dusty tomes of psychology and mental health when related to Trauma.

Displacement...dear friends, this trauma, these leftovers from living a life of terror and uncertainty, they re-wire the brain as effectively as though you attached electrodes, wires, plugs to the cranium and hit the switch for the highest levels of shock therapy.

Re-wired...never to be the same...

It is a ton to unpack for the survivor my friends...so go gently, go kindly, go with love and understanding, with compassion, mercy, grace, and forgiveness for yourself in loving someone so unworthy, so hideously unkind, so inhuman...forgiveness for shutting down the voice of that broken, lonely child...the woman within screaming silently for salvation, for rescue.

My heart continues to weep for that child, that woman....and as your attention turns towards that inner work, leans in empathy and compassion, you are truly free...free from trauma bonding, attachments, sympathies for the broken child within the monster....free.

Oh my dear friends...this is freedom.

The weight falls off the shoulders to land with a disgusting wet-sounding plop to the ground, landing in a filthy mess to the verdant carpet of love and grace you now live in.

Walk my friends...and keep on walking til you find YOUR way...God is so able, so faithful to help, to guide, to make a way of escape.

Talk my friends...and keep on talking til you find YOUR voice...God will supply strength, courage, fortitude and create opportunities to do just that.

Stand tall...oh stand tall lost ones, survivors, friends and keep on standing tall until you live and have your being in confidence, in love freely given, in grace and healing.

Bless each one today, dear God...bless each one with peace, with comfort as they navigate this thing we call life...as we wrestle with the messiness life can bring. May they each stand in strength and more, in joy unspeakable, in peace that passes all understanding.

Guide them, protect them, keep them safe as they find their way out, as they walk, talk, stand tall...

Amen...amen...