The Little things

July 16th, 2022

Good morning Dear hearts,

I woke this morning with a feeling of purpose. It is my middle son's birthday and I am in the process (and have been for a few weeks due to my anxiety and depression and so on) of building him a lounge chair out of small logs. I have measured, cut and sanded each 24" log and last weekend I stained them a rich golden colour. I had great ambitions to do the drilling of holes for the dowels while I was out at camp working but here in British Columbia we have had the wettest summer I have seen in some time. So here we are on a Saturday planning to do hair (cover the white) and complete the bday project. It will be a triumph over anxiety and fear, as well as a first time accomplishment, as this will be my first wood build ever.

But do you know something? Just making myself a cup of coffee with my pour over coffee filter, my kettle in my own house is an accomplishment of that freedom we've talked about.

The peace and tranquility, the pride of knowing that I can take care of myself is so huge! Better even than building something for my son. The irony of knowing I can take care of myself is that for so many years I had taken care of my 4 children and the 3 men (married for 20, serious relationship for 5 1/2, and this past most intensely abusive relationship for 3 years. All were abusive, with each one worse than the previous) I allowed into my life. Somehow we come to believe through the Abuse, that we are unable to be on our own, let alone take care of ourselves. Somehow we just barely survived before 'they' came along.

This is a lie my friends. The biggest lie of them all.

When Will Smith spoke about something his Aunt told him I remember having that epiphany moment. The lights came on and my mind began to expand until I beat at the bars of my cage and managed to escape my abuser. This is what he said.

'Everything you want is on the other side of Fear.'

Simple isn't it? And yet not simple in the slightest; for someone trying to escape, or the one who has escaped and now faces a road filled with pitfalls and loneliness, or sits alone talking themselves through the absolute terror of not knowing if they're going to make it through the night without dying.

I've been there.... I've sat so still hoping and praying to make it and not die. Not promising anything.... oh no, just plain out begging God to keep me alive.

Stay strong dear ones..... There IS life after the abuser. And not just life, oh no.... there is joy in the smallest of things; a fat bumblebee landing on the flower beside you, the beautiful butterfly landing on your leg as you stand watching the crew you're tasked with keeping safe, the double rainbow after the storm, the small arms of your grandbabies as they hug you tight, the sound of 10 different species of bird on the tiny lake you're camped at while you work.....

I encourage you to write some of your little joys down... especially if you're still with your abuser. It will sustain you until you are ready to go. You CAN do this! I believe in you and I'm so proud of you for continuing to fight for your life, every damn day. Walk it out my dear dear hearts. This is your time. I will continue to pray and hope for your escape, for you finding your pride in living on your own and making your own way and so much more.

God bless you and keep you safe. 'Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves' (Matthew 10:16) and make your way out!