The Littles....

The little things in life....the laugh of a friend, the sweet smile on the face of a child while you stand in line, the first sip of hot coffee in the morning, a first kiss that sends all your nerve endings tingling, the comforting hug of an English woman who could be your late mothers twin.....

The list seems endless lately as all around me things begin to paint themselves in colour once more. It is a slow process my friends, I cannot and will not lie to you. Some days the pain of loss, the agony of grieving something not even real in the first place, overwhelms and incapacitates. However, each day brings new hope, new ideas mingle with old ones and laughter becomes the norm instead of the exception it had been.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though that tunnel be long and arduous.

Yesterday was a prime example of frustration and yet....and yet it was also a day for introductions and being seen as more than a number or name on a file. The file has a face, and a (somewhat) petrified presence in the courtroom, waiting patiently to speak....waiting patiently to see justice done.

It was noted, by the residing Judge, that neither the defendant nor the defence lawyer made an appearance. I thank God continually for the patience He has created within me and the patience He is working on, moment by moment. It too can be a painful process, ok...truthfully.....every move at this point in the process of healing; irritates, rubs, pushes, prods.... No bandaid will repair nor cover, the injury within....only time, compassion, loving kindness and faith heal dear ones. Only Time.

The hour of recompense for the abuser will come....time is not the enemy, it is only the catalyst that continues on despite our need to slow it down, speed it up or rid ourselves of it completely. It is a man made thing, a construct to help mankind deal with the blink that our lives consist of.

James 4:14: 'Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.'

Today I am thankful for the air I breathe, for the freedom to do so without fear of reprisal.

I am thankful to be alone, lonely though I may be at times.

I am thankful to no longer wonder who my abuser is cheating with this time....though I long for strong arms to hold me at times.

I am thankful to know that I no longer need to prove my worth... I am worthy of a magical kind of love, just as I am.

I am thankful for so much my friends. Everyday I live, free from fear, is a bountiful blessing.

No matter the lies of the monster, the delusion he lives, in his own mind, in order to live with the damage he has perpetrated upon many in his past....he sleeps well for his false self is clear of any guilt, of any remorse for being a tyrant...for being a monster...

...for using the hands that should protect, to harm physically...

...for using his words, his actions, his online world to harm and betray, to thrust the knife deep, for the audacity to live in joy and love and warmth.

The audacity of loving others and extending kindnesses...

The audacity of having a fulfilling career...

The audacity of being happy falls on their psyche as the weight and pressure of the deepest parts of the ocean presses upon the ocean floor...

What should be enlivening, encouraging and life-giving instead becomes unbearable.

You see dear ones, the abuser does not have the capacity to feel all these emotions himself, so he must siphon it from his supply until, in short time, it begins to throw a mirror up.... exposing the vast emptiness that resides in their hearts, their minds and their souls.

Ah....the pain they feel, the contempt for what drew them like moth to flame is mind boggling in its extreme opposing reaction. As though placing a hand upon a hot wood stove, jerking back in pain and disgust.

Now...for those unaware of the evil behind the minds of the abuser/monster....imagine, if you will, for me. Close your eyes and call to mind the one you love and who loves you...

There!...... I bet you see memories flash across the vast expanse of your mind and you smile...you smile a small smile that encompasses the comfort of those images, the knowledge that you are safe with the one you give the gift of your precious love to.

Now...within that landscape of precious floating images...imagine that person turning to you in disgust...in rage....in degrading speech....

Imagine that lover turns from you....one hand out in a gesture of rejection....

That love of your life, turns away from you emotionally, mentally and physically while raining down insults and betrayals.

Oh...the shock to the system...the absolutely enveloping shock and dismay and wounding that incurs upon your spirit. The shock of a hand squeezing your throat that had minutes earlier pulled you in for an embrace. The shock of harsh words coming from lips that, only moments earlier, had pressed against yours. The shock of seeing proof that you are not what they truly want or desire....no, all evidence points to his interest lying elsewhere.

It seems to me, to be the perfect day for reflection on what exactly was not right in the relationship. Holidays, birthdays and valentines day were for his pleasure....or ignored completely.

Oh god....never again. I am filled today with a sense of crushing urgency to heal, to grow so I never...never....never...ever step foot in that fools direction again, or any like him.

For fool he is and was...he was not enough of a man to step up to the plate and keep his word...his promises...his commitments.

Fool he is and was....he victimizes all he comes into contact with and while not every woman has similar qualities, I would say that he finally found a woman who would have gone to the ends of the earth with him and loved him every step of the way. Instead of cherishing, growing together....he set about, straight from the beginning, to control, to manipulate, to harm and thus push away, making himself the victim in this narrative.

That, my dear people, is a fool of the worst sort.

'Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge. The wisdom of the prudent is to discern his way, but the folly of fools is deceiving. Fools mock at the guilt offering, but the upright enjoy acceptance.' Proverbs 14: 7-9

I wish to thank the men I know who stand for commitment, who stand as an example of love and as such are true men. Three examples I hold close to my heart are my own boys...no matter what age I observed them at, I saw only respect for women and most especially the women in their lives. Thank you my sweet boys for your living example of honour and character, and thank you to the men who take the higher path of commitment and loyalty.

Go with God today and be safe...survive....live free from fear.

Embrace the Littles....they are life-giving....they are a sure and steady light in the darkness guiding you home...