The Problem with Healing

This morning it took the beginning of a second cup of heaven before the words and thoughts would coalesce into something writeable..... and more importantly, readable.

As I read through messages from an Auntie and Uncle in Vancouver, the thoughts began to work themselves together. I began to silently sob with an incredibly thankful heart for the beautiful love given from family... no questions just unconditional Love, the kind that soothes as it heals... like the breath your mama breathed on a bruised and bloody knee...or the gentle touch of a cold cloth on the knock to the face you took from a brother... soothing, healing and energizing.

Alone...(never alone)..... when alone and dealing with the tornado of thoughts that are there to greet you each morning and stay with you throughout the day when you take a moment to breathe...and return en masse when night falls... alone the healing hurts.

There is a grieving process the like of which I have never felt before in this life.

Oh sure I had hurts; the grieving of a lost marriage, the grieving of watching dementia/alzheimers decimate the mind of my mother, the grieving once again with the passing of the woman I loved so very much, the grieving of the betrayal of a long time friendship.... everyone has defining moments in life that thrust them into the learning curve that grieving brings.

But oh, dear hearts... the coming out, down, up and away fallout that infuses every part of your body, mind and spirt is like being hit by a tsunami and watching it approach.

Watching that wall of water rising from the depths of the ocean and smashing you with a force you could never be prepared for. Body, mind and spirit have been overtaken by the sociopath/psychopath and ruled with an iron hand. It is a dictatorship that Stalin or Hitler would be proud to see... the mind control, the experimental abuse, the building up and tearing down, the betrayals, the outright physical abuse, the lies and my favourite... the fear-mongering.

Without him I was destined to fail...

Without him I was useless... 'how did I survive before I met him?' ...one of his favourites.....

Without him my truck would break down.... he took time to research my new Ford F-150 for any problem(s) that had been found...

Without him.... I was too old to find anyone else...

Without him... no one else wanted me....

All of this is designed to bind you tightly to them... body, mind and spirit.

And this leads me to the hurting part of healing... reshaping and re-programming the mind to believe that we can survive on our own is surprisingly painful.

Believing that we are not truly lost without them is tantamount to attempting to climb Mr. Everest...

Believing that we are not truly useless without them is a casual swim across the pacific...

Believing that we are not destined to fail without them is a stroll across the Sahara desert... dry as dust and just as painfully hot...

There are times I flush with the shame, when I quite literally breakout in a sweat with the agony of knowing I went back to that...that I somehow believe I am unworthy, ugly, and no one could possibly love me now.

All lies manufactured to bring you down, down, down to the depths of despair.

Dear ones, cling to hope and cling to life... if you're still in the pit with the viper, hang on... you will find the strength to get out and to find your way.

You are capable...

You are worthy...

You are beautiful...

And you are worthy of all that is good and lovely. You are worth more than what you are receiving and would be horrified to learn of someone else going through the pain of abuse...and wouldn't you tell them that they are worth more?

Of course we would, for anyone other than ourselves, but I am here to speak to you today and tell you that you are worthy.

Now it is for you to begin to speak those words over your body, mind and spirit.

I believe in you dear hearts, dear broken and bleeding women, I believe in you and I am so proud of you for hanging on for so so so long.

Take a look over your shoulder... see that rocky path behind you? That was all you, you did that, you made your way over that broken ground. Sometimes carried by the love of family and friends and the love of the Father, but you dear hearts...you placed one foot in front of the other and despite the overwhelming despair you live(d) with everyday you got up, you got dressed and you smiled and gave more.

Now that is strength.

You have come too far to go back now... you've stepped onto firmer ground and you are making your way to freedom and a life filled with love and laughter.

I'm so proud of you... keep going and stay safe, and survive.