The Shine...

As per the course, my mind is in fairly constant motion...rolling thoughts over, combining events, people, places, faces, energy, spoken words and gestures to form perceptions, observations and determinations.

Sounds exhausting...yes...I hoard my time jealously to avoid burn out and understand now in my healing, on this journey from hell to freedom that I am inexorably and permanently changed. Scar tissue formed prevents minor attacks...most words and actions bounce off...there is a distance, not a vacuum so much as enough space to formulate thought, action or reaction.

Where every nerve ending had been exposed now stands firm, shiny new scar tissue...oh we trigger don't we dear treasures? Vulnerabilities exist...sounds, smells, sights can jump right past the bulwark and into the depths of the vessel to do damage...to bring memories crashing to the surface.

The beauty, the gift is this my friends...after a time as we deal with each memory, each flashback, as we allow them to wash in, to pop to the surface in the most inconvenient times, they lose their hold, their power to hurt or cause grief.

Truth is...and this is the consensus of many, not just my humble opinion or experiences speaking...the truth is the flashbacks continue far into the future. They're memories...it's what they do...we process and lay them down to wither to dust and blow away in a fresh new wind until the next time they squiggle to the surface.

Smaller and smaller the monster shrinks....back into insignificance and anonymity...

This morning as I stood waiting for the coffee to seep into my favourite mug the thoughts that swooped and flitted through my early am brain was the capacity for beauty or handsomeness....how ugly the monster becomes until they no longer resemble the man you met.

The inside shines dear hearts...kindness, character, honour, respect, humility...it shines from the inside out, creates a beauty all its own...adding to the canvas. The difference between paint by numbers and Vincent Van Gogh...

The face...oh dear lost ones, survivors all...the face changes from mobile, fluid, full of expression to flat, cold, and distanced....the only expression seen in the rages, in the angry outbursts...then there is glee, satisfaction, and hate.

Here, my friends, is where ugly takes over...

If we radiantly shine from within when filled with joy, with love and grace then imagine when evil lives inside...the most beautiful of men will change from pleasant to look upon, to ugly, grievous to look upon...the face twists, contorts, the eyes blaze with an inner light bordering on the waters of insanity and dipping both feet in, taking on the energy, the hatred to become something different...something hideous and ugly from the inside out.

We shine with goodness or we shine with malice.

Beauty vs. the beast without the romance, without the happy ending dear treasures.

The ending never comes with the abuser...it will last as long as the monster is draining supply.

Oh I am sorry dear hearts...those still in the mix, in the sh*t....I believe in miracles, I truly do.

I also believe in that miracle happening without me, you, others...there.

Let go and let God is fairly appropriate in this instance. God does NOT require your sacrifice...NO.

Oh yes, I've heard that particular gem as well...from others, for myself...

I can do this...I can pray, see miracles, see change, know real love from this broken man/child I adore.

Oh my friends....if one truth hits you I pray it is this one particularly important one...

You....you are just as important as the person in your life. God does not ask nor require for you to lay down your life for the one who tortures, who maims, who abuses in so many ways you qualify for every abuse listed in the books.

You....God wants to save you, keep you safe, see you free, happy, living in joy and peace, knowing love...real love...the kind that gives and does not betray, does not leave you in pieces while he whistles down the road.

You are worthy....beautiful...kind...gentle...all the things he said you are not, those are HIS weaknesses, HIS lack.

You are enough...lovely...

Walk in it dear hearts...walk in the knowledge that you ARE truly worthy of all every good thing this life can offer.

Worthy....