The Sun is Coming For You

It is somewhat cringe-worthy, embarrassing and at times distinctly annoying, when your heart, mind and spirit feel the need to shed tears at the drop of a hat. Otherwise known as crying which is something I have not done a lot of in my lifetime...three older brothers took care of that silly female emotion. Until I came up against years of machiavellian mastermind puppetry...I was the puppet...and no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how hard I tried to stand firm, invariably I danced to the tune. Three times...I had hopes that the third time was The charm...the one, the only...the forever, ride til we die dude to my dudette.

This is where the gong clangs loudly in the background, forefront and round about each side....I remember very distinct moments that that small voice in my head was loud and proud and yelling....RUN... Run! This man is not for you...not for you...

I share this with the sincere hope that it saves you the heartache, the process of picking up the broken pieces and fitting them into something that resembles the person you were, but will never be again. A fitting picture comes to mind of Frankensteins monster, knitted together with numerous, barely palatable parts.....to the beholder, ourselves, not so pretty to gaze upon....oozing wounds, seeping tears and the whole... messily, hastily, stitched together.

I would save you this pain if I could, and I pray you are wiser than I. That you listen to that instinctual voice that is telling you, you've seen this all before...heard it all before....the deja vu is overwhelming.

This particular prize would boast of being something I had never dated before...better...smarter...more.... He wasn't wrong, he was most definitely more. He tops the charts for manipulation...for verbal attacks...for gaslighting...for physical battery...Oh he was good....in an evil 'I'm going to rule the world' type good; a dictator squashing, battering the masses into submission whilst declaring loudly for all to hear, his for love for his country. That type of evil.

Self proclaimed giants amongst men....Napoleon complex squared...and squared again...

And yet....the pathetic truth is...They are not original....

The game plan or strategies may vary between the abusers, the monsters, but you will find they are all eerily similar.

Unoriginal....Copycats....serial abusers....

Dear friends... You are wise....you are highly intelligent...strong and of good cheer...until you spend enough time with the abuser and suddenly you are none of these things.

Confidence....buried under a mountain of criticism couched as jokes...

Strength....engulfed by confusion and petty words of not being tough enough. Screw that noise...you are strong...you are a warrior and you have nothing to prove.

Joy...controlled and moderated by the monster....oh it chapped his petunia when I was too happy, when I enjoyed the people around me and when they enjoyed me....it invariably came back to bite me in the aforementioned petunia...often. The result? His aim...to isolate...to block or limit your access to outside influencers.

Intelligence....undermined and consistently called to question until you begin to doubt it yourself...

If this, my friends, is the path you are currently on, I urge you to take time to listen to that voice speaking to you. I urge you as this voice, along with your psyche, grows smaller with every minute in the abusers presence until you are sure it is gone for good.

It will never leave you, for it is you....that child, that woman that has suffered at the hands of others is always present....however, self-protection, isolation and disassociation become their best and only defence against the workings of the one who perversely professes to freaking love you.

I would urge you today to take a mountain of moments to delve inside and find that voice that works for your protection, for your safety...and listen...truly listen to what it is telling you.

Do you know something? That instinctual genetic self-preservation voice is rarely wrong...and it is not wrong now.

It's ok... I know you're scared...frightened beyond measure, shaking at the knees just thinking of making a change. It seems insurmountable....but dear hearts, this is what they wish you to believe! Knowing full well that the more they demean, devalue and discard ,the harder it will be to leave them. It is done, all of it, for their benefit...for their endgame.

I'm so sorry dear hurting hearts...it is not you...there is truly nothing wrong with you.

I'm so very sorry for your pain and gut wrenching, twisting sorrow....It is them.

I do believe that as soon as this is acknowledged, accepted and addressed...your eyes will see and you will make the necessary plans to escape your situation. A good friend told me something of her experience and I thought it so profound. I will share a line that will not expose her but rather expose the light that shines through the darkness...guiding our way.

This is part of what she wrote to me......

'The eyes never lie, this is so true. I still recall the moment I had this very realization with one such man. It was like I was staring into nothing. No window to the soul there, blank, stone faced stare, completely devoid of emotion. When that realization dawned on me it was then I started having a true perspective and be able to untangle myself emotionally.'

She escaped....she found the courage to make the move, to put herself and her child first. As daunting a task as it was...warrior woman.

You feel these moments....deep down that small voice is waving a phalanx of red flags...alert...alert...alert...here lie monsters awaiting your peril, your destruction.

The courage required to move, to act, to do....think climbing Mt. Everest and at the top is the key to your survival, to your escape from the terror that reigns in your heart and in your mind daily, weekly, monthly....

Here is what I learned my friends....that courage is only gained by one small step, one small rebellion... a word here, a line drawn there....yes, they will step over or more accurately blow right through the line, the boundary but oh, the ground gained within is incredible...indescribable.

The courage and self-respect gained...priceless.

Lost souls....Hear my heart this morning....your future is unwritten and only awaits your hand, your choice, to move in a direction that rebuilds your spirit, repairs your heart, re-molds your mind.

You can love someone so completely that it takes up room after room within your heart and still not be able to live with them.

God grant you the courage of a warrior seasoned in battle...

God grant you a strong unrelenting belief in yourself and your ideals....

God grant you a mighty portion of grace to bear the burden of love for someone who does not understand what love really is....and what love isn't....

Love isn't rude...

Love doesn't keep score...

Love doesn't knowingly do harm...

Love does not use, abuse, lie, cheat or maim....

The horror you would feel if you saw blood streaming down your loved ones face and you the cause....

The horror you would feel knowing you placed the bruises littering the skin of the one you profess to love....

The changes you would make to never, ever see that happen..ever again. You would take yourself off to the best psychologist and refuse to come home until you were fixed.

That would be love...that would be having a conscience...

So...why dear hearts...why do we consistently withstand the battering of the person we love? For love...for hope...at our expense. These things do not add up to an equal footing.

May your heart be calm....May your mind be set about with protection and the steadfastness of a hundred seasoned soldiers....May your spirit sing for joy in the moment, whatever that moment may be. Take joy where you can, for this is what will save your sanity and remind you of all that is good with the world, despite (and even brighter because of it) your place in the pit of pathos, of peril.

Go with God today...May He guard your heart, your mind and your spirit and lift you above the pain, above the sorrows. My love and prayers...the love and prayers of many rise with you and for you. Speak softly...but speak. Walk tall...walk it out with pride of self....for you are fearfully and wonderfully made. A creature of such beauty... believe it, claim it, for it is yours to hold.