The Things I Think I Miss

June 2 0635

My thoughts this morning were jumbled and slightly chaotic but I have no dread. No sick stomach driven by fear and anxiety about the future and the loneliness hanging about my neck like an anchor dragging me down, down, down into the abyss.

I awoke once during the night as I had a feeling that Slim Jim needed in. I hadn't even wanted to let him out for fear of him disappearing again perhaps for good this time. I didn't bother with lights but padded down the hallway to the living room and back deck door. He was waiting at the door and slipped in silently, winding his way around my legs. Yawning I turned and headed back down the hall to my room. Stopped at the bathroom and sighing, I turned into the bathroom. Getting old is fun they said.... riiiiight.

Black Jack climbed up the bed once I was settled and curled his tiny body into he crook of my right arm. I fell asleep quickly, a record for me ha, and awoke at 0530 with Black Jack still curled up in the same spot. I had washed and dried the new flannel sheets last night that I had ordered off of amazon because they remind me of my mother. Then made the bed with them. She had loved her flannel and most of her sheet sets were flowered in some way. This set is a Laura Ashley set and has tiny little pink flowers all over. I looked at them this morning and rubbed my hand along the flannel. I miss my mom, so very much and so I pull things to me that remind me of her. Pictures around my living room and in my bedroom on the tall bedside table, the quilted blanket laying on my couch/bed (that too is a story for another time)with tiny blue flowers all over it, to the locket I wear around my neck pretty much 24/7. It was my grandmothers, then my moms and now mine. It is a good sized heart shaped locket with my grandmothers initial engraved upon it. The letter 'W' for Winifred. I am named after her. Now before you feel sorry for me haha, my parents kindly shortened that name and used Wynne for my middle name. I am eternally grateful to them for that. :)

So, I am not feeling so hot today. A little dizzy but not too bad. I managed to drag myself out of bed, turn and make it (a long tradition to start my day properly)and throw on a loose oversized tank and make my way to the coffee pot in the kitchen with a brief stop in the bathroom.

As the coffee was brewing, my brain was brewing as well. I had many thoughts last night on, instead of being afraid of the future and thinking I need and should be doing something, working somewhere.... that time was flying by and I was accomplishing nothing. Instead of thinking in this way I had the astounding thought that God had orchestrated this time because I needed to heal!!! I need to be thanking him and taking every opportunity to heal and grow and if that means crying and raging and sobbing out my hurts and pain then so be it.

I need to do that, we all need to let the shit out that has been packed down inside of us. We've been pushing down, tamping down and packing down our emotions, our hurts. Why?

Because we knew that we could not go to the one causing the hurt and pain and broken down sobbing as he is in no way receptive to talking things out. He could not handle the responsibility or shame of knowing he was doing monstrous things to hurt me. We come up against anger in varying degrees, sometimes 0-60 in no seconds flat, sometimes cold and cruel words, others derision and laughter. Where, where I ask you in all that is there any room for validation and feeling safe? nowhere. So we push down, tamp down, pack down.

And so our health becomes compromised, mental and physical health.

Do you see a pattern here? Do you see? Step back from the chaos that is your relationship for a moment. It's tough to do but take a deep breath with me and let it out slow.... there you go. Now close your eyes and visualize with me. Visualize the stories, the memories, the words spoken to you. Hear them and see them as if coming from someone else and just feel your heart break again for that incredibly sorrowful woman that is residing in your chest. This story is coming from your sister, your mother, your best friend or an acquaintance...... What the hell do you say to them? What would you be willing to do for them as you listen to the hell they're living through? pretty much anything I bet...

I know that as I visualize like this I begin to cry silent tears and my stomach cramps up. That's me, that's you.....! we need need need, to extend the kindness and compassion and love that we give to others to ourselves. We deserve it. You all truly deserve happiness and gentleness and kindness.

EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!

Now.... walk it out. You can do it! I have faith in you, in that little spark of rebellion that lives within you. Fan that flame, silently and craftily until it's a bonfire inside of you. Do this safely and silently my friends for the angry being that lurks within your significant other waits to pounce.

Remember who they are, who you're finally beginning to see they truly are, deep down. Deep down that broken child remains and waits to lash out. It is so so sad and heart wrenching and we want to fix and help them but I cannot stress this enough (and as I remind you of this I am reminding myself even more for I know it is a weakness), that

there is NO fixing them.

Dear hearts, they must want to fix themselves and until then your safety and peace is paramount. ok?

You are not abandoning them!

We have abandoned ourselves and must now stand for ourselves and pray and hope that someday they make that change.

God bless you and keep you safe, may His arms surround you with peace and comfort and His absolute love for you. May his guardian angels protect you and keep you safe.

Until tomorrow.