Their Issue

I want to set a small disclaimer here at the beginning of my post... I truly wish all who read this to understand that I know i am not perfect and when I expound on the 'Their issue' title, it is based on years of experience and the burgeoning knowledge that 'it wasn't me,' the fault within the abuse parameters was his alone.

No matter what mistakes you make/made, no matter the times you lost your shit (reactionary abuse), no matter how you try to fit that square peg in the round hole....

you did not deserve to be physically abused...

you did not deserve to be verbally attacked...

you did not deserve to be mentally and emotionally abused and neglected....

You deserve all the love and patience and compassion that you handed out to that small broken child within your abuser. And more...

This is the lie that we come to believe.

That somehow it is our fault... They tell us enough do they not?

That if I;

.....hadn't sent a happy face emoji within an email to that coworker,

.....hadn't talked with the truck driver on site who was experiencing health problems and I was the only medic,

.....hadn't pushed for physical attention from him,

.....hadn't gotten a text from a fellow paramedic asking how I was doing....

And on and on it goes. They create chaos and strife from anything they can and blow it up until we (and they) truly believe that we betrayed them when in fact the betrayals were coming in so fast and furious from the monster, that we couldn't keep up mentally.

You see my friends, the more they accuse and point the finger the less you think about what they're up to in the background.

They create confusion, guilt, triangulation and wounds so deep that you go under and all is white noise for a time.

This is what I came to perceive.... All would be quiet in my head, all the little voices telling me something is not right, something is wrong with this man... they would be gone for a day or two at the very least as I would wrestle with the WWE-worthy slam down and the pile drive right into a brick wall mentally and emotionally and far too often, physically.

Survival... pure survival.

You go under to preserve your mind, to preserve your psyche and to process the wounds given. Just as a soldier in battle would pause to assess his wounds so we pause mentally to ferret out all that is bleeding or punctured from this latest excursion on the crazy train.

Give yourself time dear hearts... to come out from under the assaults, the abuses...

It took time to amass the wounds, it will take time to heal from the damage done.

Stay strong... get out... stay alive.... and live, truly allow yourself to live and all that entails.

You are worth it...

You are worthy of all that is good and lovely.

Yes you.