They Don't Know...

Why do Domestic Abuse survivors go back?

The first time rolls into the next and the next, equalling seven times at the very least...or so statistics say...the theories abound from one learned professor to the next; from psyche profilers to the most qualified of therapists, down to the lowliest of quacks stating their opinion. A percentage of these are qualified by experience alone and follow it up with Phd's following hyphenated last names; most sit with and hear truth stranger than fiction coming from the traumatized, the abused and beaten, the tormented and the humiliated, gaining wisdom and knowledge along the way.

Trauma bonded is the fashion plate of the season, the bougie best for reasoning away tales of love and angst. It is not a bad theory; hypotheses based on the gathering of mental, emotional, physical facts thrown into a witches cauldron and stirred with a vengeance.

The truth is, while we are sold lock, stock and barrel on the promises of love and forever, smattered with a dash of passion and safety, we are soon to discover that all is not well in paradise. Slowly, stealthily, the new supply, the new victim is broken down...inch by inch, foot by foot, fist by fist, cruelty by cruelty until they no longer know who they are without the man who is pulling the strings, manipulating the game, gaslighting the events.

This my friends is the reason each one returns to the very maw of the monster...

This is the reason they continue to take more and more abuse...each blow a reminder they are worth nothing, good for nothing and no one...cloaked in invisibility, no longer seen, heard or appreciated, the lost one buys in...fully.

Their healing, their very being relies on the goodness of the monster...it is the ultimate in mind f*ckery. Returning to the very one who lifted the hand, who demeaned and bullied, for care...for sorry's that mean less than the sh*t they just tread on...for 'I love you's' that foul the ears with the stench of lies.

Each time back, the wait time lessens...the wait time for more coercion, bullying, neglecting, pointedly cheating, betraying... snaps back with a vengeance...

The respect of the man who created the victim in the exact image they wished for is gone, replaced with hate...

He is disgusted by for your love and forgiveness...THEY would never put up with that treatment, so you are truly useless in their eyes.

'Oh what a tangled web we weave...' Sir Walter Scott.

They Do Not Know...who they are....from beginning to final end they move in a fog having lost the most essential part of themselves...that part of us all that makes us unique...our spirit, our personality, wiped clean and replaced with edicts from one who would mold you into him, or worse yet, the mother who nurtured him into the magnificently evil persona we see today.

Lost...wandering alone...even in the midst of family who love and support, forever friends who encourage, love without judgement....you see my friends, by the time YOU learn of the evil deeds committed against one you love, it is not new...it is weeks, months, years of taking the hits and shame involved in each strike.

Victims hide...not only to protect their loved ones, but to conceal their loss of self, the overwhelming weight of responsibility and shame resting on fatigued shoulders....and oh we see, do we not my friends? We see who should be held accountable...most times...it may be obvious to those outside the mayhem and monstrosity, but within....the abuser has primed and conditioned until blame lays nowhere near their doorstep.

We have each one of us had those well-meaning friends who cannot believe what you tell them; laying the groundwork for an extra helping of 'it's your fault' he's like this, or 'what did you do?' ...and so the cards lay close to the chest, lies told to cover the bruises, the swelling, the red welts round the throat appearing with increasing frequency...instantly another place for the enemy to come in and whisper in your ear that you are JUST like the monster, lying...for shame....add another brick to the foundation of deceit and duplicity and watch the lost one sink another foot in the grave.

The climb out of the pit my friends is no easy task...ever circling, ever dodging bullets past and future, while maintaining a smile, a kind word for a stranger, the job and coworkers, family and friendships....you see where I'm going with this....be kind, we never know what people are living through each day. And be kind to yourselves...not everything is immediate...the best healing is one that goes through each step as thoroughly as needed, and done again, revisited time and time again for true expunging.

Go with compassion, go with love...speak your truth kindly and with patience...most do not know of the inner battles, nor understand trauma and an informed grace for those lost souls and survivors fighting to get out of bed everyday.

Stand tall dear treasures...stand proud of the continued grace and love you feel, no matter what the naysayers print, speak, spew. What you feel is real...the difference is, the one you give your love to, will expect and siphon off every last bit until you have nothing left...resembling the walking dead.

Too harsh my friends? This is what I became...this is what you believe could never happen to you, there but for the grace of God go I....

Professional, career paramedic...confident, excited for the future, joyous, ebullient, strong...

Brought to my knees incrementally until I WAS that woman, that lost one wandering in search of help in a land no longer recognizable.

Through the grace of God and a mighty hand to save, I made it out of more than one near-death party; far too near when your life, your loved ones, past and present, flash before your eyes as darkness encroaches, blotting out even those you love with all you have....

The last time...I saw in a flash of insight, intuition, magic, the supernatural, or plain ole sight handed down from a grandmother who saved a crew of 24, including her husband, deep deep down in the coal mines...whatever one wishes to coin the final destination of flames and fire I saw in minds eye, it was evident this time was the LAST chance, my end was near...and I heard the voice of God's angel whisper/shout in my ear....'GO!' And I went....

Dear treasures...these words, these happenings are recited, retold to spur you on, to bring hope, but most of all to bring clarity to a confusingly muddy situation. The things around you will not change, so you needs must...I am truly sorry to say, we must come to our own rescue... with the help of God and His timing, you can find a way... for He will make a way, again and again, and again until you choose.

Walk now my friends and see what goodness God has in store for you, no matter where you are, or how far gone you feel, you are always only a thought away from the arms of a Father who loves with reservation, without hesitation. Always and forever.