Today...

I abide in tears...I grieve...

I grieve the years stolen...

I grieve my part in damage done...

I grieve my part in so many ways...

Parts of heart, soul and spirit are missing...great chunks, giant pieces ripped from heart and hands outstretched...

Years...years and years of mistakes, of getting up and trying harder, giving more...and witnessing evidence after evidence of a lack within...

Only to end up here...at the end of the world, a flat one...standing above sheer cliffs and surveying the ocean of pain, of sorrow and heartache; some created by my own actions, others fashioned by hearts steeled and closed.

Here I stand, wind buffeting body and mind...

With hope and prayer I hold myself still, so still, lest I fall...reaching out only with thought, with prayer, in spirit and with an ever- abiding love for those who cannot find their way through to loving in return.

Wind blows through my hair, rearranging and pulling at clothing, threatening to push feet over and off that staggering, sheer bluff...

In desperation I turn my head to see those faithful to stand beside me...

In desperation I cling to the love of a very few, while heart clutches and stutters....

Once upon a time my heart was full....fulfilled, purpose clear and steady....

Once upon a time pain and heartache, rejection and betrayals blew all rational thought to hell...

Once upon a time I answered a question posed to me by a daughter still in her teens, after hearing tragic news of a family losing one of their children...'what would you do mom, how would you react if you lost one of us?'

Once upon a time, knowing myself full well in regards to my babies, I answered 'I would find it impossible to live and draw breath.'

How does one deal with the pain of losing someone when self-awareness places you firmly at fault, responsible for their pain, for their heartache? Despite years, close to two decades now, of trying to do better...I have failed.

And so, I stand on that bluff overlooking a roiling, boiling sea of mistakes, of wrongs, and wonder where my God is in all of this mess... (standing beside me, holding me close)

I believe that all things are possible...that God is able...but oh I am exhausted by living some days dear friends. That is the truth...the BIG truth...

I rise every morning and am reminded of those who do love without judgement...I cling to these moments with unfathomable hope...I remind myself of a faithful son whose love keeps me here....for the big truth is, for all my positivity and encouragement, some nights it is a hard fought thing to stay on this earth.

I think...'perhaps one day I will stop caring, stop loving, stop MISSING.' But oh my friends, the heart doesn't forget, it doesn't stop loving those who hate, or worse, feel nothing.

Wiser women and men than me have stated 'we must stop looking back.' We must look forward, ever reaching, ever seeking...

Ah hogwash...I do not just sit and dig into the 'memory bag' willingly...as any survivor will tell you, flashbacks and moments of absolute crystalline clarity come to visit without knocking, without warning...showcasing that moment you made the wrong decision, that moment that changed the path of motherhood.

It matters NOT the why...it matters NOT the how... not to those who have borne up under the pain, the sorrow.

This morning I sit with it...this morning I embrace the pain, I cry out to God, not for forgiveness, for that is as frequent as breathing...

I cry out to God for their healing, for their wholeness, no matter whether it brings them back to me...

I cry out for peace, for compassion and grace for all they feel and struggle with due to choices made.

Dear treasures...we hold to the edge of that cliff with all we have until we can step back into love, into grace and mercy; allowing those who cherish, who accept, to enfold and keep you here, in this world.

I know not some days where my path is taking me, but I am forever thankful to those who have stood in the gap, who stand beside...

My prayer for you this day is one of hope...

My prayer for you is this; that you will know the love of a heavenly Father who never leaves nor forsakes, and more, promises to walk you through the fire holding you close.

May your feet carry you to distant shores of compassion and peace, may your eyes see hope and love upon the seas below you no matter what has come before...God is not done with you...

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” Jeremiah 29:11