Too Much...Not Enough

Good morning dear hearts,

I had an epiphany this morning, or rather was open enough to actually receive the thought this morning. It has flitted about in my mental musings before and wandered off aimlessly in search of a higher intelligence.

It is not that we were never enough for the man (woman) we loved... oh no dear ones, do not be fooled by the lies of your abuser, your narcissist...

It is quite simply this....

You were too much for them and their capacity to love and care for a woman.

Every new supply is too much for the stunted child within to handle.

'I was demanding, always asking for something.' he would say.

'I was trying to start a fight.' he would question.

and the true battle would begin... you know, those battles that are completely one sided, where you find yourself defending issues you didn't even understand were a part of your behaviour, because they weren't.

I fear I did not win many of those, but I feel as though I have won the war by getting away with minimal physical damage and living a life of freedom, a life of growing peace.

As I grow older I feel time slip away quicker and quicker, chipping away at the world as it goes. The emotion of wondering what I am missing out on, that somehow the future is holding something for me if I just make the correct choice in direction, in the path I walk out.

I am told that this too is not uncommon amongst victims/survivors of an abusive relationship, no matter whether it is physical, mental, emotional or sexual...the sentiment that we have been robbed from, our time stolen by someone who only needed a presence while he found someone new that more closely resembled his ideal fantasy woman, is the trauma norm.

What we one day must come to understand, as I begin to today oh so slowly, is that every woman in the life of a narcissist, of our abuser, is doomed to fail. Doomed to experience, to some extent, what we ourselves experienced in graphic detail, over and over again.

Karma you ask? The karma for the abuser is that they will continue on this lonely, angry, bored, endlessly needing the new fix, lifestyle until they are old and alone.. or at the very best, old and miserable having never been able to find their personal pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. ever......

I will take the pain of self-reflection over that chaotic and miserable mindset at any given moment of any damn given day. Always....

We dear hearts will end our lives loved and in love, whether that is with someone new or just loving ourselves as we should be loved...

with kindness...

with compassion...

with patience...

with loyalty...

and have a trust in ourselves and perhaps a new love of our life that defies anything we've known before.

Stay strong luvs... there is life within you still... a really truly good one...