Tough...

He used to tell me I wasn't tough...not even close to tough...weak...

Pointing the finger away from themselves with every word, deed and action, to deny the unending weakness within themselves...the neverending saga of fragile ego meets monstrous twin, evil. Together they reign surpreme over every and any one who steps foot in the circle they cast. Each and every individual used for a specific reason and intent, for fulfillment of a myriad number of plans in place.

All along, I was the one graced with an inner fortitude, a toughness of spirit meant to tackle all life had to sling my way, strength of character forged in fires 99% know nothing about. Somewhere along the time spent in the monsters presence, doubt began to creep in...my mind constantly sought out reason, sought out weakness despite knowledge brought about by years of living through upheaval. (any survivor will tell you, speaking this way makes us cringe. I do so now, with much cringing, for the lost ones, for the survivors struggling to find their way).

I was, and am the tough one...how do I know?

I lived in hell for three years without losing my sanity.

Oh, I came perilously close, but I hung on with every last bit of strength and determination I had.

He would not have lasted a month under the same conditions...he melted under stressful moments, let loose the emotions in fits of rage and bluster. No, he would have broke and broke hard.

I know these things because he broke years and years before, holding those broken pieces close but never seeking to heal, to find peace by helping others, extending grace and mercy...

At a very young age his mind fragmented into a thousand tiny pieces, each piece screaming in madness for retribution, for revenge, for payback to any and all.

A conscious, albeit mad as a hatter, decision is made to harm first and take no prisoners and as they age it only cements in place as each bit of heartache and pain comes their way.

No one is immune, even the young budding psychopath, to pain. It builds, block by block, the foundation upon which the delusion of grandeur and grandiosity rests.

Entitled...arrogant...self-pleasuring sycophants hidden behind masks of charm, hiding the ugliness within made uglier by posturing and pretending, honeyed lips laying down the framework for the next victim.

Tough indeed...the cowardly capering monster remains the weak link in the chain. He measures toughness by standards he doesn't reach himself.

This morning as I sit sipping my first cup of heaven, I reflect on truth, I reflect on grace and mercy for those trapped, stuck, caged by the mistaken belief that they cannot escape, cannot make their way free.

Lies hold them in place: unloveable, useless, unable, undesirable, ugly...aren't they LUCKY to have the monster who overlooks (never), grants mercy (breadcrumbing, until they feel the need to pummel you with your mistakes), loves you (in no way is THAT love).

So many lies...

My prayer this morning is that you will be graced with the strength to truly SEE who they are, what they really under that mask, and more...see who you are, truly.

The one who loves unconditionally, who gives and gives and gives, who grants true mercy, true forgiveness for deeds and actions and betrayals the monster would NEVER forgive nor forget.

You, yes you...that shame you carry is meant for the monster in your life. Not you, never you.

That shame is a lie...shame for loving someone so evil, shame for not loving yourself more and leaving. It is a vicious, visceral circle that is consistently set in motion and perpetrated by the one who claims to love you.

May your eyes be open to all that is truth, to all that is right and may it spark a rebellion within to all the horrid, horrific things this person does to you, on you, in you.

May God surround you with courage, with comfort, with peace that defies explanation within the storm. I've felt it, known it, seen it...

May your feet take you far from danger, and in to arms of love, of compassion and grace. For you....you deserve it dear treasures.