Tough Days

June 5th 0520

Just like that I am dashed to the rocks. Remember that FB post (see previous entry)? His response? Well he responded all right. With more abuse and Lies or Truth I do not know but it was designed to hurt. The response also came after I declared my forgiveness to him no matter what I thought or knew about what he had been up to. His responses were:

'You don't know the half of it'. (me - I don't care to, goodbye.)

he laughed and sent off 3 rapid texts each worse than the one before..... my chicken neck, he couldn't stand it.... (ok a lil one but its not that bad and yes I did go and look in the mirror).

my butt was cottage cheese and that's why he went outside the relationship, at least twice in the last two years.

That was the gist of the texts. I blocked him rather than respond in kind. My first reaction was like a punch to the gut, the next to respond and be cruel in return.

I cannot, I cannot do that, even to my abuser or I risk becoming just like him and I know how much it hurts and I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Unfortunately he has become my worst enemy. The destroyer of dreams (for a time), the voice of cruel words that cut to the heart and the sabotager of career choices.

oh I hurt. I know that this can't all be truth, that the words are used to hurt and demean.

yup.... I went and checked on my butt. How sad is that? I kept thinking, its not the worst butt I've ever seen and I am my own worst critic. My butt is my least favourite part of me and yet I know that he understood exactly what my insecurities were and are and he uses them to cut me to the quick.

Logically I know all this, but you know how the heart is. It follows a separate path of thought and weeps and aches in spite of the logic that your brain is shouting at you.

Two words of advice on going 'No Contact' as they say.... DO IT!!

This! This is the prime example of the 'why' you should go no contact. Something I should have known. Something no one talks about when telling you to go no contact. Perhaps they believe that it is something we should just know and their response may be 'ummmm duh!' And they wouldn't be wrong. It was my own fault for not doing so and yet, his words are on him. His admitting to lying and cheating his way through the relationship was done with glee and a warped sense of accomplishment. A monster in human flesh.

And so I ask for your prayers and thoughts of love and happiness and joy. I will need them today.

God bless you and keep you strong and safe. xoxo.