Trigger

This morning I sit and sip a second cup of steaming heaven...up at 4 and unable to drift off to that land of mystery within the mind, I admitted defeat and rose to meet the day complete with super moon shining across acres and acres of hay field, mist rising to greet the luminescence. Ah what beauty we are blessed with dear hearts...life sustaining grandeur straight outside our windows, a step away...I sit and contemplate, collate, ponder all that has transpired in this week alone...along with the fun of sitting, standing, cooling my heels in a courtroom I have had the pleasure of meeting head on....more narcissism, more degrading and derisive tones and speech. Most days I manage to dodge, cajole, politely speak truth in the face of a young, emerging narcissist...this week, perhaps to put my healing journey to the test, push back has been building to a storm point where force met an immovable object.

Yesterday, despite taking two separate vehicles and having space to myself for which I was incredibly thankful, the comments...the disparaging talk, arms folded and stance taken while watching me work, critical and judgemental speech over something as trivial as table placement....despite agreeing earlier that this was the perfect spot...and I came to my patience threshold, my bullshit meter was full to the top and running over.

I pray...I beseech God mightily to guard my heart, to sustain my spirit and most importantly to show me where I may improve to better guide this young heart. I have been placed in her life and her in mine for a reason....and so I spoke up and as in every instance with this type of personality psychopathy I was met with anger, pouting...then to keep things interesting, a burst of fake charm...followed up by a one-two punch to the gut with demeaning tone and speech.

Ah what a day...it is not the person I ran, walked, moved from.... but oh the similarities in issues...both traumatized as children and yet spoiled to the point of entitlement...both believing that they can do better than anyone else even if they know next to nothing on the subject....her building skills so far behind the other crew member that she needs constant direction...

Dear friends...once again I hope you hear my heart this morning....I have such affection for this crew member, such love...it is more than ok to recognize traits in another person...more than right to correctly deduce the nature of the beast within a co-worker, a friend, a family member, a beloved partner....this is what I fought with yesterday and throughout the evening. I war with myself and whether I am being too judgemental, too harsh...whether I am being loving enough, forgiving enough....this morning after just sitting and listening to my go to worship music...this battle is just that...a battle that I have been through before...the land familiar, the sick feeling in the pit of my gut as I walk the terrain I thought to leave behind. Two months more....two more months with this crew member...plenty of time to learn how to deal properly, to gain the self-confidence to forge ahead leaving the comments behind.

I pray for you my dear treasures, and this morning I pray for myself....for more...

More understanding...more knowledge...more wisdom....God grant us heaps of wisdom...in our speech, in our actions, in our thoughts....Bless you God...You are faithful, You will never leave us nor forsake us.

Go with God today and each day forward and know your worth dear friends...walk tall, stand proud and speak your truth...with grace, with dignity, with measured tones and lastly...with love. And move on...leave it where it lays and continue on your journey, with joy in your hearts...with peace in your bones...with loving kindness in your hearts.