Unseen...

I have spent years, veritable years learning to speak effectively, communicate with articulation and fast track helping those i'm speaking with to understand, to comprehend the crux of the situation.

I realized recently, in explaining to those asked if my red hair was a true indication of my temper and temperament that I learned by an early early age to control my temper so as not to exacerbate an older brothers rage and to a large extent my Fathers, that I was really saying something completely different.

Once again, no one picking up on why the absolute need to control my circumstances. In speaking to a coworker on why I am so articulate in my explanations and falling back on this tired old reasoning, I found something new to celebrate. For the past few years I have stopped using this story...grown past the need to explain or open a door to the past none of us within my family, speak of. Rarely does our childhood come up in conversation and if it does, it's jokes and laughter to cover the horror.

I learned to push down the fear, the trepidation and speak as coherently as a six year old, eight year old, and on and on, can, in an attempt to make myself heard, in an attempt to mitigate the disaster about to befall me or one of my siblings. This communication curve grew as I aged into a teenager, and expanded exponentially within a marriage filled with manipulation, mind games, exposure, betrayal, trauma (I won't speak of) and a decided lack of control over anything within the marriage and outside of it.

Oh, I may know what you are thinking, we should not strive to be in control...no?

Should we not have some say in what happens to our bodies, our minds, our friendships, our speech, our children's needs, the direction our very lives are uncomfortably aiming?

When the normal presentation of speech and conversation was met with silence, or worse, I worked harder, forgave more, fell to my knees so often I lost count, in an attempt to find a road to equality and true partnership. I also found my dear old friend, disassociation. Retreat within a mind that excelled at imagination and fantastical stories easy to lose oneself in.

I became a master class communicator and began to lose parts of myself I would never retrieve, until tables were turned and betrayal became my whole world. I am convinced I will go to my grave, with my children and those closest to my partner, never knowing the extent of his gravity and depravities. I truly believe it would break them as it broke me, until I did not know the woman I became in order to survive with mind somewhat intact.

Now...well, now as I begin to explain basic human decency to another person, as I begin to explain proper conduct and character to another human being, I stop...full STOP.

I limit time spent, remain cordial but give nothing in return nor any ground for them to cover and continue wrong behaviours.

I limit their input in my life...and I begin to see progress, I begin to see growth where previously I would take their rehabilitation on my self.

Dear treasures, it is not your responisibility to change anyones behaviour other than your own. It is not your responsibility to stay with someone who treats you as less...better to find your own way in peace with heart and mind and spirit intact than to throw yourself repeatedly under the tires of that particular bus and find yourself bleeding and bruised.

This is NOT to say we do not love, we do not pray, we do not give to those who want the help or seek wisdom and knowledge.

If someone is having a bad day, meet them with love.

If someone is struggling meet with them respect and open hands, open heart.

But all of this must, must be reciprocal. Not one sided...

I still communicate, I still reach out, I still love...the difference now is I am in tune with that inner voice that says 'RUN.' And run fast...

Speak your truth, kindly and with grace, and move along...if they wish, they will catch up.

They will make the time to reflect and grow and meet you where YOU are. This is relationship health, mental health and emotional protection at its finest.

Give of yourself, open your heart with wisdom, with integrity and with understanding. Not everyone can be saved, and it is a sad, sad truth.

Only God...only God. Leave them with the one who knows and understands and is capable of miracles and moving mountains. Let Him do the work while you heal and grow and move in love and grace, mercy and hope.

I speak less...observe more, listen closely and move in understanding as much as I possibly can, and pray the same for each one of you struggling in impossible circumstances.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and a true path of healing waiting just for you. May your feet guide you to truth instrinsic to yourself, may God surround you with peace, with love, with comfort as you make your way free.