Wanting...

Way back...thousands of years ago there was a King who deviated from the path set forward by his predecessor, King Nebuchadnezzar...Belshazzar governed Babylon for a time before it was divided between the Medes and the Persians. One of the scriptures reminded me of the person of interest in my life and the many ways he found to live in an unholy way...

Oh I know dear hearts...we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...hear me out my friends. We strive to be better...the larger portion of the populace tries each day to do better, to be better...to achieve a higher self as they live and age...

This...this was straight up opposite behaviours...the whim of the moment was his god, the pleasure of his body dictating moment by moment...the words of braggadocio serving up voodoo roots, the ability to curse others...the evil perpetrated when the pressure built too high and necessitated a release from whatever emotions doing a fine impression of flying monkeys in his brain.

Daniel 5:27 'You have been weighed on the scales and been found wanting.'

When the soul has been depleted so drastically by wanton decisions, lying, betraying, abuses too many to list...the balances of the scale fall far far short. What is used to fill the soul up blackens...darkens...insidiously eating away at the very fabric of what was good, what was lovely....

I have struggled these past days...not with being alone...no, I wear that like a coat or blanket of many colours; made up of peace, of joy, of kindness, of laughter, of love.

The struggle has been as a ball of strings, wrapped together in a mass of knots and loose ends trailing along behind...pull on one string and follow to its end only to find it leads to another and another...thoughts move in all directions, with one question always the focal point...what/who/how/why am I feeling these emotions? Followed closely by.. where does the numbness, the quiet in my head lead to, and what is it hiding, healing as I take time to just be...to enjoy Mother Nature...to sink my feet in the sand beside the warm waters of a clear lake.

Like death...or perhaps a slow decline with all the hallmarks of grief and sorrow followed months later by true death...once again faced with the pain, the memories, the loss, the fear and flight culminating in the final nail in the coffin. That coffin representing the whole of your every ounce of energy, every drop of blood shed, each tear held back and stuffed down into the box marked 'monsters lurk here.'

We take a hammer and strike the nail, the biggest spike we can find to affix that coffin lid to the body...to the mind...to the spirit...freedom, ah sweet freedom yes....but like any death it must be mourned, again...mourned anew...memories arise fresh from the disturbed soil as that coffin is lowered into hallowed ground, stamped with the crest of the almighty.

There are no tears as that casket is lowered....no, the time for tears is past...

There are no recriminations...no fault, no responsibility for the life and love lost...they built the box housing the demise, the departure...they crafted a box so filled with torture, with agony, with tearful moments and fearful hours and used it to house their basest desires, to broadcast their evil intentions so quietly, so cunningly that even with one foot in the grave we do not see the true character.

They set themselves up to fail as much as they do us, dear hearts....oh yes...happiness is known only through momentary pleasures...they do not have the blueprints necessary to create a lasting happiness with one person.

That casket is built for you....created for your demise...for the demise of the relationship...

And you are blamed for it...judged to be the problem...despite tripping you up...throwing you in a pit of filth and waiting for you to sink or swim. No helping hand, no...they made it by themselves, why should they help you....no one was there for them...

Does this sound familiar dear lost ones? Despite having numerous help throughout the years...teachers brought into their lives to help guide, help find their way....we are told they had no help....no money for a downpayment, yet they had just that....oh the lies they tell themselves my friends are far and away the worst of them all.

Today I go forward...I step out in faith and believe for a future filled with love, with grace and compassion...

Today I set my face to the sun and await Gods guidance...I see new adventures, new friendships, relationships....

My prayer for you today dear treasures is that you find your way forward to a better life...a good life full of peace and joy immeasurable...

You are worthy of all that is good and lovely. You...today...no matter how far in the pit, in the filth and the muck...worthy where you stand...worthy no matter where you sit, cry, scream your sorrows....God sits with you...ah my friends I have felt the arms of a Father who never forsakes, who never will leave us but will run after us in love, arms open wide.

Worthy warriors all...stand tall, walk proud, speak your truth with grace, with dignity, with confidence.