When in Rome

When in Rome you do as the Romans do...You live as the Romans, talk as the Romans, Eat as the Romans....

You assimilate, adapt and learn to fit in where you must.

Is this not another form of survival?

I have lived and survived in a wasteland that seethed and raged beneath the surface. Constantly threatening to boil up, explode and spew hot flames all over the landscape.

On the surface the landscape looked and felt like firm ground, in reality a egg-shell thin layer just waiting to fall apart under the feet.

Does this sound familiar?

I assimilated.... lived minimally in a home that I had continually been invited in to... told it was my home... until it wasn't.

Until I was told 'I let you stay here.' or my favourite.... 'you stayed and wouldn't leave.'

or 'This is not your home and never will be,' but conversely I did not put enough money or effort into the home...

Dear people... nothing you do or say or become will EVER be enough for their ever-shifting emotions, the games they play, the fragile ego that is always seeking new excitement and validation in the form of other women, and the chaos that is their mind.

Check their social media.... This is a huge clue...

Most of their friends are women... old, young, in between... beautiful, ugly, plain...

This is a major clue to who they are. And... who they spend most of their time talking to.

Oh, there are one or two actual male friends they talk to but the rest are women.

They will point out men who are creepy all the while creeping on young women on the internet. They are a mass of conflicting ideals and morals.

Perhaps your man had a horrible mother and upbringing and needs to chase that motherly, nurturing spirit in women as well as the sexual, oddly enough. Whatever the history, they fashioned themselves into grown up boys, not men, with a broken child residing inside them searching unceasingly to fill the void their mothers left behind.

You see... it has nothing to do with you (I know, I know... and everything to do with you at the same time). If we can just grasp that it is not 'us' specifically as we are just pawns to be used and discarded, just like on the chessboard. Quite easily discarded.

They develop a fondness for their present pawn, sure. But love does not factor into this equation for them as even as they are with you, they search for new supply.

When they search for this new supply, they are searching for the perfect replacement.

It is a fantasy woman that does not exist. Why does it not exist you ask?

It does not exist for more than one reason, but the biggest factor is that the end goal, or goalposts change with every breath, with every thought and every action.

That great gaping black hole that exists where their heart should be, is un-fillable, though they will try until the day they die and swear along the way that it is not them. Not their fault but the fault of the women they have used and abused. They are the victim.

What they do not take into account, is that they are the victim of their own actions and schemes, and they continue on claiming victimhood whilst all the while being the creator of their own destruction, and the destruction of those they claim to love.

Chaos squared, chaos defined.

In the mind of the Narcissist there is no hope of salvation, unless in a moment of sobriety (what I call being sober is moments of clarity despite the raging angry boy inside) they make a determination to change, to find help, to seek abuser counselling.

Sound like a pipe dream? I would say yes it does.

I used to believe in the boy inside the man...

I believed in that child... that he could and would make that change.

I was wrong dear hearts but I pray... I continue to pray for Mercy and love and clarity.

Mercy to be able to come to terms with the devastation he has wreaked across the years...

Love of the Father to forgive himself for the hurt and pain he has caused across the years...

and finally the Clarity to accept that it has not been the pawns he has left broken and alone to pick up the pieces across the years....no it has been him all along.

Mercy

Love

Forgivness

Grace

Hope

Peace ..... May God make His face to shine upon you... all of you.

This is God's promise... His love is unconditional and is for the just and the unjust. That is his promise if we choose to accept it.

So dear hearts stay strong and assimilate these traits into your own heart for you are worthy of all that is good and lovely.