Where I've Always Gone...

This past weekend I had a lot of time to reflect on the past...I hit a wall and landed in disorientation, blessed with too much time on my hands and forced to rest. Plans with family were cancelled, cold bug bit my ass....blah, blah, blah...it was time, it was imminent...imperative even. Keeping busy meant pushing things down once more...promising to take them out and mend later, repair soon....it's an easy rabbit hole to fall into, an easy habit difficult to break.

And so dear hearts...dear treasures...I went where I've always gone...when beating a hasty retreat... when I realize I cannot outwork, outrun, outthink the hidden, the unbearable, the hurting parts of me, I go to God...and I find rest. I find peace. I find love. I find surcease.

I find all that I need...and more, the things I didn't even realize I was suffering with...buried under living day to day, hidden under thoughts of and for those around me...

With a breath I dive in...and with love, with compassion, with kindness...tend to grief, to sorrow, to wounds partially healed.

With a breath I open the door and allow the sweet smelling winds of love to enter...to search out every hidden corner, to illuminate areas in need of compassion and kindness....

'I've seen love come and I've seen love walk away So many questions Will anybody stay?

It's been a hard year So many nights in tears All of the darkness Trying to fight my fears Alone, so long alone

I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know You I'd probably fall off the edge I don't know where I'd go if You ever let go So keep me held in Your hands

I've started breathing The weight is lifted here With You, it's easy My head is finally clear

There's nothing missing When You are by my side I took the long road But now I realize I'm home with You, I'm home' Lauren Daigle

Since my first memory as a young child of eighteen months old, I've sensed the presence of something supernatural, something bigger than myself, my brothers and my parents...bigger than the problems at home, a safe place I could go...when and wherever I wished. As I grew so did my knowledge of a God who loves beyond what we could ever know or understand.

I would ask for your patience dear hearts...as I struggle to put into words the thoughts of the child I was...it was a presence beside me, always. An inner knowing without words, without explanations...that I was never alone despite feeling so physically, often.

I was a wild child...wild ginger child running through the orchards of the Okanagan...the streets of Terrace, as can be attested by my big brother Bob...

God bless my mama, she tried....but believe I had inherited some of my uncles wild tendencies and preferred the outside to being home, chaffing in some girlie frock complete with hosiery.

And so I feel as though I have come full circle, spending my time outdoors amongst God's finest...that wild child lives still, balanced with the adult who has learned some uncomfortable truths over the years. Lives and breathes and needs to be close to nature...

Oh my friends...this is our path...the journey to finding who we truly are...who God truly created us to be, whatever that is for you..and you...and you...each one of us different from the other in the best of ways. This is part of your healing journey...going back to your roots, back to that child that lives within and finding your true self...and nurturing, with love and grace and mercy, that budding beauty. You...yes you. Beautiful...special...unique...a shining light amongst the darkest of days....a beacon of love...

I jokingly called myself a beacon as I stood waist deep in the cold waters of the gorgeous Cheslatta river...laughing with the two gentlemen working with me that day, that the fish were attracted to the oh-so white skin shining in the depths of the water...

It came to me later...that is what I wish to be...a beacon of light...of love...of compassion...of kindnesses...and so I dive deep and set my mind to allowing healing to come to those broken places still in need.

Go with God today dear hearts...go with God and know your place in this world....stand tall and speak softly your truth...let others hear your story, you do not know how it may help someone in need also. Stand tall and love well...