Who I am...

I often wonder who I would be if I hadn't made this choice...that choice...took that open door, crawled through that cracked window...jumped over that obstacle, under that barrier across the path...who would I be with brothers who loved me for me no matter the circumstances I found myself in...as I loved them...

I often wonder who I would be if my mother had stayed in Calgary all those years ago, pregnant with me...who I'd be if she had stood for herself...loved herself enough...

There is no judgement in these ruminations...only compassion and an understanding I didn't have years ago...with love I view her choice to love my father despite his betrayals and weaknesses...my mom was so capable, so strong, so giving...forgiving...she stood out in her profession because of her intelligence yes, but more for her enormous heart for others...a safe place for so many.

The choices we make...ripple on and on..and on. Far reaching effects...for good or for bad. I chose to love a man who was incapable of that tender emotion...who chose momentary gratification, chose anger over kindness, chose daily to pursue what gave him pleasure no matter who it hurt...including himself. And there the choice of the victim ends...that love is taken, twisted and tangled to meet their needs....love is used against the one extending it...

Dear hearts...may you hear my heart today....it is a never ending cycle of hurt, sorrow and trauma upon trauma to love an abuser. To this day, it is still a difficult title to place upon someone I believed in...that someone we love could do the deeds done upon our person, our heart, our spirit. We push through...slither through...squeeze into that small space in the hopes of reaching a blackened heart...in hopes of pulling a drowning man from the raging river, only to be swept up and away ourselves.

I will always believe that with God all things are possible....always...

The however here is this....not at the expense of your heart, your mind, your spirit...

You were not placed on this earth to save the unsaveable...to throw yourself under their feet to be trampled into the muck and mire....you were placed in their life to shine a light, to give them the chance for a life of love, of promise, of joy....dear friends, I pray for your discernment and the heart and courage to step away when that light is being extinguished...when cruelty replaces love, when that light is violently rejected. It is God's job then to reach the unreachable...to work at pulling them from the darkness they surround themselves with.

I struggle mightily this morning in putting to words the deep down ache, the stunning sorrow, the unmitigated grief that comes with consistently putting yourself in the way of harm in the hopes of saving that broken down child...of loving into healing that stunted, traumatized child that lives within your loved one. It is a never-ending cycle of pain and heartache. You are not giving up, nor giving in...it is not your battle to fight, not your war to win....it is theirs.

My prayer for you today is this...that God will open your mind, your eyes to truth....that God will give you insight and wisdom, and the strength to walk it out.

My prayer for you today and every day is this...that you will know your worth...that you will speak your truth and walk it out...brave and true dear hearts....

Let God....let go and let God. Lay down the burden of battle and seek peace, seek rest for your weary heart, for your wounded spirit....