Wide Open Spaces

August 1st, 2022

Good morning you lovely people. I have had the opportunity to be surrounded by wide open spaces this last month and while its been in a place I would not have willingly chosen to go back to, I am glad I took the job and the opportunity to face my fears and demons represented by this beautiful chunk of BC.

There is something healing in wandering the forest, seeing wildlife in all its beauty and the sounds of the wind; the multiple species of birds, crickets, frogs/toads, deer, moose and so much more. This is of course once the equipment stops running and is parked for the evening/night. The silence is not a complete silence but the very absence of normal city sounds is at first deafening.

One cannot escape the thoughts that flood back in once the noise stops. The hardest part of being alone and in a place of quiet solitude is dealing with the overwhelming cacophony of my own mind.

This is what many do not realize... the battle isn't with others, not with a personality you do not like very much, with a situation you're pushed into or any outside influence. The battle is within.

The battle that rages is inside our own minds.

I had someone say to me once... and not unkindly, just an observation.... that my attention to individuals was so complete that it was titillating/uplifting and somewhat intimidating and then.... then I'd be somewhere off inside my head and they wondered where I had gone to. An accurate description... and one I know has been me since I was very small. Trauma will do that. Nurture... or nature. Well one can be nurtured in trauma as well as a healthy upbringing.

You're perhaps thinking that everyone knows this.... but bear with me as, while I also knew most of these things, it is being seen from a completely new perspective.

I'm now standing in a place of watchfulness and contemplation and fear. Oh yes fear. While I have less fear than I did before, it is a silent but constant companion just lurking in the dark waiting for its curtain call.......ever faithful. Fear is not necessarily a bad thing... it has kept us alive in the darkest of days has it not?

The difference now, and I hope the same for each one of you, is that I have begun to use this fear to motivate my choices, to do the very things that scare me. While I do not always win, for every time I lose I have a win that trumps it all because I did what scared me. That's a huge step forward.

No more fear my dear hearts... don't let it shut you down. Do one small thing that scares you, just one no matter what that might be. It may even seem silly but it will be a stepping stone for more courage. It is slow going, but I am beginning to train my mind to recognize the fear, accept the feeling and then let it go.

I'll keep you posted on how well this is working ;).

And so dear ones, dearest hearts..... stay strong (yes you! you are strong and capable) and survive and get out!