A Very Personal Abuse Survival, Escape and Recovery Blog

I believe in fairy tales. If monsters exist in the shape of men, then angels must exist also. I believe that there is good in people; truly down home, shirt off their backs good.

I have been witness to so many small kindnesses given to just me, me. As simple as spilling a tray of food while trying to find a seat in the hospital cafeteria and having 3, 4, 5 nurses/doctors/clerks rush over to help me pick up the spill until not a drop remained on that floor. Be still my heart, my eyes run with tears of thankfulness and a need to do the same for others so they too may feel that warmth, that absolute comfort.

This Is as close to God as we can come, to knowing what it must feel like to be in His presence.

It is moments like these that sustained me during my time with my Abuser and continue to sustain me as I struggle through each day. Struggle to find MY purpose. I invite you to join me as I do so and welcome your personal stories and comments. :)

May 20th

Its not the cheating porn habit, the neglect and rejection so much as it is the goddamn lying and even worse, even more depraved and evil than that….. is the turning it around and telling you that you are the problem, you have issues and insecurities and paranoia and ultimately blaming you for feeling the way you do.

You are the reason that sex never happens.

Not the porn, oh no, that can’t be the reason.

LAZY FUCKING ASSHOLE.

How do I contain this anger? Better yet How do I release it? How do I use it? I do not want to tie myself to him in any way and if that means forgiveness and a release of all bitternesses, resentments and anger, then that is what I must do. I will forgive him but for the now, I must keep the anger in order to survive and to do that I must be angry enough to leave and to never fucking look back.

May 19th

I come to the realization once in a while, in the middle of the storm..... how do you blame them for not wanting you?

You cannot. But I can blame him for keeping me and lying to me when he does not want me. And knowing full well that I need that part of the relationship.

Blaming YOU for the fallout THEY caused. YOU. Not them. Never them.

They do this with a straight face and serious demeanour. Never have I felt so degraded, humiliated, demeaned, rejected and such sorrow to fill an ocean.

I began to believe (and still do to some degree despite KNOWING that it begins and fucking ends with him) that there was something so intrinsically WRONG with me that I could never succeed at anything let alone love.

I mean hadn’t my past serious relationships added up to me being the common denominator? The numero uno problemo?

As I think these things I’m flooded with memories of beatings and verbal abuse, the absolute rejection he used against me, the lack of sex cause once again I’m the issue, the flirting in front of me with other women, the meanness he directed at me purposely and then……. Then I think I may not be the problem after all.

I am at a loss at how to survive once again. How to leave with myself and things and cat intact.

God…. He is the only answer. And my massive guardian angel.

**It was the day after this journal entry that I managed to make my escape.

May 22nd

Coming to learn to live with the fact that it was all a lie, all of it. An act if you will.

They are not unable to feel or love or go through heartache, I truly believe that it is impossible for a narcissist.

The issue is they have chosen for so long, most likely since a/many childhood traumas, to NOT care. Only to use and find the supply they need to fill the massive hole that yaws inside them. It is a bottomless pit built by choosing a path of taking, taking, taking.

They wish you there to do what they need and once in a while will extend the olive branch to keep you hanging on to hope, that mischievous flaky yet necessary emotion.

When confronted they use anger to silence and confuse. Coming at you like a freight train in order to derail your thought process.

You KNEW what you were doing. That what you were doing was hurtful and wrong and yet you somehow justified it to yourself because of course your pleasure comes first.

Oh god I’m so glad to be away from that hurt, that rejection regardless of knowing that it really truly has nothing to do with me, it still has the power to shame and belittle and reject.

Why couldn’t he want me? Why was it so difficult?

One answer …….

Self interest. It was all about feeding the monster.

Oh he would give in, in other areas if it was his idea. An example?

Make me coffee once in awhile, stopped going straight to his phone in the mornings, cook dinner (me the sous chef) laugh with me. That is all I have at the moment though I know there is more, however, so many of the things he would do were in HIS best interest, were meant to benefit him in some way.

May 24th

Day 4….. The longest I’ve made it away is 7 weeks. Then I went back and the abuse started straight away. He looked hard to find something ‘I’ had done and using my laptop he went through all my emails and found the work emails to be angry about. I was too friendly, I flirted, I left too many smiley faces(how unprofessional, I was a horrible worker) and on and on. Meanwhile, he was talking to other women, watching porn, live strip chat and so much more.

It works well this deflection. You’re so busy fielding the questions and dealing with the anger and the threat of violence that all thought leaves your mind for a time. Once it does come back, it can be 100 times worse for now you’re busy fielding his verbal and mental assault with a hint of violence as well as fielding your own thoughts that are saying things that if repeated out loud would have you beat in a second.

We know they go from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat.

How did I survive? Not only how did I survive dealing with the daily angry outbursts, the suspicion, the mental assaults everyday but also FUCKING GO TO WORK EVERYDAY? HOW?

I smiled, I laughed, I did my job and took care of the people around me while I was slowly dying inside. Oh God. Only You. I’ve gone to work bruised, heartbroken and exhausted. I’ve gotten up in the mornings with him when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and never come out.

What has it done to my body to SURVIVE this way for so long? When we were working out on the Batnuni Rd doing a million dollar road Construction Project. It was hell for 3 1/2 months straight with a few blessed peaceful moments in between when he wasn’t angry.

The stress of being foreman out on that job proved too much for his little ego and I became his favourite whipping post. God bless 3 gentlemen, Bill, Connor and Zach, who helped keep the abuser happy. When old wild Bill would come over for a drink after our day was done on the road construction ( we camped out there during the 6 days we worked, only coming in for groceries and doing laundry)I would be so relieved. Most of the time after the visit, he was good. But the next morning he’d start in. There were more than a few times that I just got up, put on my pants after using the bathroom and I’d head out the door.

Now I think that perhaps he’d use that time to watch his porn and jerk off. So, quite likely he orchestrated that after the first time I did it, knowing I’d probably just leave instead of putting up with his abuse.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you. Thank you for sustaining through these past 2 1/2 years and most specifically during those times that I was being abused; physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally. I felt your presence, your comfort even through the terror.

I felt so alone out at Ootsa Lake but I wasn’t alone. Never alone, never. (This event I will endeavour to talk about in the future. Near death experience).

I never want to feel that afraid ever again. Ever. No men for a very long time and I call on your grace to grow and learn so I can allow a good man in.

No more psychopath’s, no more sociopaths, no more narcissists, or any combination of the three.

Only men of God with good hearts need apply. And in the meantime I will make my own way and find my own success.

I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO!!!!!!

I will have my own home, my own dogs, cats and animals. I want chickens pecking in the yard, future big dogs following me while I do my morning/afternoon chores. I want gardens of flowers, vegetable garden and the wild beauty of nature. I want to sit on deck chairs that I built while I drink my coffee and look out at the scenery before me. A lake, a meadow, the mountains, a river. Must be water near by and plenty of room so I can have the quiet of nature with just the low babble of animals and the soothing sound of water to fill my ears.

The laughter of grandchildren running and playing.

The sound of a crackling fire, the wind blowing through the trees, the low purr of a quad as I explore the countryside for old wood for my projects.

The smell of coffee in the morning in my own country kitchen, and the warmth of a wood stove on the chilly mornings.

The slap of feet across floors I did myself, the smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen and pancakes waiting in the oven. The sound of my slippers scuffling across the floor as I make my way to the deck and the view I’ve waited my whole life for.

A long soak in the wood tub I built myself with a glass of sangria and the candles lit beside a large wall of glass overlooking the lake and just sigh with contentment and relief after a hard days work.

I can see it. I can see me doing it. I just need the fortitude and courage and work ethic and I’ll make it.

No one is coming to save me, no knight in shining armour riding in on his trusty steed.

No. I will need to save myself with God at my back. He has been my saviour, never letting me go.

There is nowhere I can go that He won’t be. He will never forsake me, nor reject me.

With Him I am safe.

So…. I will enjoy the journey no matter where it takes me and love with all my heart no matter if it may hurt me to do so.

I will be brave and forge ahead on this new path ahead of me.

I am enough.

May 24th….. 1115

I cannot begrudge the last two and a half years, I cannot ....for during the most horrid and frightening times being with my abuser I heard God’s voice clearer than I ever have before. It was in those moments that I felt Him so close, His angel standing beside me or in front of me.

At one time…. Whispering in my ear to throw myself backwards in order to break free from the chokehold he had on me, intending to either render me unconscious or to kill me.

Another time, while slamming my head against a log, the abuser had momentarily stepped/knelt back and was coming back in for another round with a rock the size of a large cat when an angel knelt between us (how I don’t know as I could ‘see’ him and he was a big man) and with one hand on me, he held the other out toward him and yelled in a mighty roar, NOOOOOOO! The look on this beings face was fierce and frightening. I 'saw' this later as I cried out in absolute despair that I was alone and I felt and heard a voice saying ''never alone!'

At the time I remember looking up at my personal walking-talking demon and wondering why he stopped, and a look on his face like he had actually heard the angel roar that one word.

These moments gave me hope. These moments of such clarity that only come with near death experiences are life changing. I believe that you are never the same again, ever.

If I hadn’t been a believer before, those moments of such clarity would have had me believing with all my heart.

I thank God I wasn’t alone. I truly believe I would have died that day.

May 25th …… 0718

Awaking during the night only once, I immediately thought of my cat being stuck with my abuser. I wanted to go save him but with neighbours and the dogs (Bell, Smoke and Duke) I couldn’t get close enough to call Slim Jim to me. So I’m at a loss. I cannot just simply ask for him as last time he just said no, unequivocally no. So I pray and I hope and I wonder if I should just go every night until he comes. I’m just at a loss and filled with anxiety and sorrow and guilt for not bringing him with me or at least trying. I just took the opportunity presented and got the hell out of that house.

I have finally been able to sit and fill out most of the application for BC ambulance and as I’m filling it out, I kick myself mentally for allowing this to happen. I know the ‘why’ of how it all went down. The fear of picking up my phone or even attempting to open my laptop. Some of these fears were just compounded on others and most likely I would have been fine but when you’re living in fear of violence and/or verbal and mental attacks everything becomes a possible minefield. Everything.

So here I am. Hoping for help from someone to get back into the paramedic career I worked so hard to get and knowing that for the most part I’m on my own and MUST learn to save myself and rely on only me. This may seem too much like a need for control and you’d be right. I can only control those things that are within my grasp and within my mind. I cannot control what others do, the choices they make. Only my feelings, reactions and choices.

In this way I can determine where I’m going and with God’s help hope for the choices that take me on a path of fulfillment and joy.

Do not let others determine which path you take. You are the author of your destiny, and somewhere in that marvellous brain God gave us are the tools to do so. I know it. It is only fear that distracts and detracts from what we’re doing.

So the lesson for today I suppose is to get up, get going and do my very best to ignore the fears and anxiety and loneliness that plague me.

Why? Why ignore? Because fear is a damn liar and loneliness is just my brain asking for what I used to have. It doesn’t differentiate between good and bad partners, it just knows that we are now alone. So….. onward.

Life IS possible. A good life.

May 27th 0715

I will not allow life to bring me down, no longer. Oh I know, there will be down times, down days even, but…. I will pick myself up, get out of bed, off the couch and move. Dust off, walk the path, whatever that may be at the time. This too shall pass. It will. I have the experience to know that everything moves along. Whether we ride the tide or not, it continues to ebb and flow, ebb and flow. So… while I am sad and missing the man I thought he was, the sane and logical part of my brain reminds me that He is a monster and until he recognizes and makes changes (highly unlikely despite knowing that God is a God of miracles) we will never be together.

I believe God has someone to love me with passion, kindness and a magical kind of love. I do. And if I walk this out, become the woman I’m meant to be all will come to pass in its time.

So walk the journey, one freaking baby step at a time if necessary. There will be times of great progress and times with ground being lost and we must come to allow these times and to be happy through it all.

Just like our children, we watch them grow and we watch them fall backwards but we still love love love…. Knowing that they are learning and growing through every single life challenge they walk out. It is the same no matter our age for isn’t it true that whether we are 9 or 90 that in our minds we are still young? Age has nothing to do with our minds. Despite having a sore back, sore hip, and various aches and pains I still feel like I’m 20.

A note of good news. I contacted the aforementioned monster and he allowed me to come get my cat and the things I accidentally left behind. I picked up handsome blackjack yesterday as well and he is an all black kitten. So tiny! And precious. He loves having his belly rubbed and stretching right out with front paws outstretched. However, slim jim is not so happy with him. Hissing and growling he is not too sure about this development. It has been just us for so long. He was ok with Duke and Smokey Joe (Daves dogs) but not this lil bundle of black joy. They will manage I’m sure, eventually he’ll come to love blackjack.

Stay tuned!

In the meantime…. Love yourself a little will you?

You ARE worthy of love and peace and joy. So treat yourself and remember you were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a treasure.

The man who loves you better treasure you so very much that he ‘cradles you like an egg.’

I heard this quote on the series 1883 and I just began to cry and cry. THIS is what God intended for us. To be treated with such love as we could only see from the Father. Impossible…. But they better try to attain the same love. This is now my standard… no longer will I take abuse and disrespect. No more. I wouldn’t treat anyone that way so I must expect the same for myself. We all must. It is our sanity at stake. Our children who will suffer along with us in ways we cannot even understand unless we’ve seen it as children ourselves.

I did, witness it I mean.… often enough to create the person I am today. I accepted things perhaps I never would have, if I had been raised by a man and a woman who respected each other. If my mom, God bless her soul, had stood up for herself and demanded respect who would I be today?

I understand, I truly do, having gone through it but to set an example would have been wonderful. So ladies (and you few gents out there) step up to the plate and do it, if not for yourself, for your children and their future relationships.

May 28th, 0805

His dog is dying. When I went to pick up my cat on the 26th I spent a minute to pet Smokey Joe and was so heartbroken to see him looking so frail and like every step hurt more than ever. When I had left I knew he didn’t have long. At first it was his back hip giving him issues and making it hard to get up, but in the days leading up to me leaving (always the hardest thing to do as I feel like I’m abandoning him and the other two pups)he had been walking like his front shoulders hurt too. Walking lower than usual and head down. Poor poor Smokey Joe. Such a faithful big dog. Part Rottweiler and part great Pyrenees he has the most amazing of personalities. So sweet and looks like a giant yellow lab with a large head and sorrowful eyes. But oh, after I came on the scene he started to smile more and look happy. I gave him as much love as I could during my time with him and fed him treats and to long rub downs with a good brush. And now he isn’t long for this world.

I tell you all this because it means there is open communication between myself and my abuser. He messaged me yesterday to ask if I had taken Smokey Joe as he couldn’t be found. I had been tempted at one time but I know how much he means to him, regardless of him being who he is.

I rattled off some areas I thought he might be and asked if he had walked Smokes patrol route. This is what he did, he would go on a walk about the property (5 or 6 acres) and come back. He had and did not see him anywhere.

Last evening, he found him down in the gully near the house laying down and when he called him Smoke couldn’t get up on his own. Insert tears here. With the help of his renter next door they used a blanket to get him up and carry him to the house. That is how big Smokey joe is even with losing weight in his old age and looking somewhat gaunt. It took two of them to lift him with a blanket and carry him the 100 feet or so up to the house. Dave had phoned me and I phoned him once when he told me of Smoke being unable to get up.

Too much contact, far too much but I am holding fast to my decisions and the reasons behind them. He is a monster, and I must never forget that. It is too much to expect that the brief glimpses I see of a human being with compassion and the capacity to hurt means he has changed. So I will continue to try to find my way on my own and let God take care of everything else. And hope and pray for the future. I do pray for my abuser. Everyday I try to pray for him as he IS still a child of God and for myself I find that it helps me to find forgiveness and to let go of anger and hurt and resentment and bitterness.

You can ask if its working and I’ll tell you straight up, it’s a work in progress. I walk it out as faithfully as I can and then work on ME.

Today once again I woke with such heartache and anxiety about the future. Some mornings I’m not sure if I’m labelling these feelings correctly so I’ll just say that I wake with dread, every damn day.

Part of this is due in part to not having to make decisions when with him. Oh I tried but for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will know, we are not allowed to make decisions and if we do we are either ridiculed or incite anger or…… insert here the many different ways they control and manage us. And we drop into that hole, not by choice but by consistent bullying, gaslighting, flying monkeys, physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse and so on.

You are screaming inside to escape your captor and yet, in some strange Stockholm syndrome twist, we find peace there too. There are clear boundaries and guidelines set out. And if we deviate we suffer.

I’m coming to find within myself … nope, lost it. An epiphany is coming in regard to being a prisoner with an abuser. And I will share once I figure it out in the hopes it helps someone else. Even if it’s just one person.

May 30, 0638

Well. I missed two days blog. I am going to change that starting right now. Every day I will post a blog once I figure out that portion of tech on my laptop. In the meantime, I will journal every day until I can get them posted. Not just for me, but also for all of you, whoever you may be, young or old. No matter your profession, race, ethnicity, gender, or religious choice. The core principle here is that no matter where you’re at in life and what you’re doing with that life, Abuse knows no boundaries. NONE.

Doctor, Teacher, dancer, Tim Horton’s worker or the woman bagging your groceries. Rich or poor, Abuse exists every damn where. I hope this blog finds you safe or reasonably so and either escaping or already escaped your situation. Hold on. The end is near.

Yes, it does have an end. You CAN be free not only from your abuser but from that part of you that believes it is not worthy of better. Free of the shame and humiliation, free of the pain and heartache, (yes there is more when alone, but I believe it is so different from the heartache we feel when IN the abuse) free from the verbal attacks, and oh god this one…. Free from Fear. How do we carry that albatross around our necks for so so so long and remain sane? Constantly in ‘flight’ readiness mode.

My abuser used to ask if I was running away, if I planned on running away. His fear of abandonment was so pervasive and yet, and yet. HE was the reason I was constantly ready to run. How twisted is it to be the author of your own fears coming true?

Oh you and I trigger and have our insecurities, yes we do. However, This is not in the same class of fearing abandonment that our captors feel. You see, the triggers, the insecurities, the wanting to run away is all planted and watered in the deepest richest soil and consistently perpetuated by your abuser. Do you ever wonder how they live in their heads with so much turmoil and stressers? They are single handedly orchestrating your fears and their own all at the same time in order to keep you from leaving them. Its mind boggling. That’s talent but it takes a toll.

Enough of that for now. I have a story for you 

I had a first aid gig for the drag races racetrack in Prince George on Saturday. Just for 4 hours but I was happy to get out of the house and did the hour drive with no issues.

While driving I chatted with my daughter and pulled into my x husbands’ driveway as he was my point of contact and reference for this job. After being teased by my daughter Jordan about working with my 'husband' (insert gagging noises here) off we went.

I was nervous as it’s been some time since I did any ambulance work. That is a story for another time but suffice it to say that I was riding on some nerves.

I went off to find someone in charge and let the x do his thing (photography).

When I met up with the woman in charge, she stated she had something personal to talk to me about and would I mind? Shutting the door to the office and locking it, I looked at her in question. I was quite curious as I had never met this woman before.

What she proceeded to tell me rocked me back on my heels and my anxiety went through the roof.

Misty related that she had received an email from a gentlemen stating that I was not really a paramedic; that I was off on stress, not mentally stable, that I used drugs (weed) and he was concerned that they would be risking someone’s life by hiring me.

Well dear lil baby Jesus. The monster was at it again. I set into an explanation by blurting out,

‘would you believe an abusive x-boyfriend?’

after a few minutes of talking and explaining that he had done this once before by sending an email to bcas under a false name just the year before. She took some time to find the email and we read it and I believe 100% that it is the man I thought to love. The name on the email was James Colburn (old actors name). When she had earlier replied to him she asked if he had proof and he replied in the next email that she should call bc ambulance and stated that I had attended an accident scene, that there was an investigation under way and that I had done nothing. Something to that effect.

The only truth here was that I had in fact attended an off duty MVI and he had been with me. I was in fact off on PTSD for some time by the end of January (the incident occurred at the beginning of October).

I believe the PTSD was caused by almost dying at his hand two weeks prior. I had bruises for a month after that outing and then we come up on an accident with a nasty fatality and it was too much. I didn’t realize it then, but I came to understand this only after much talking it out. Here is the story of the accident:

Out of two woman, one was a fatality and she was DOS (dead on scene). But he liked to throw the fact that I was a horrible paramedic and that I had done nothing. I had taken over CPR from the gentleman performing it when I arrived. It took only a minute to determine that she was gone, and no amount of CPR was going to bring her back. A Doctor arrived on scene shortly after I called it and even though I told him I was a paramedic, and she was gone he went to attempt CPR and after two pumps he looked at his watch and called time of death. Thanks doc, insert eye roll here, however I was quite thankful for his decree as it backed up mine. He had seen and felt what I did. I won’t go into details but there was no hope of bringing her back. That is the back story for his statement of ‘doing nothing.’ I hate that I still feel the need to defend my actions but I choose to do so for you.

I thanked her for letting me know (she believed me, I mean I had sent her a photo of my emr license) and went out to sit by the ambulance parked close to the track. I had taken the time to clean it as it was full of mouse droppings etc, so out came the cavi wipes and a good wipe down of every surface, including the stretcher and clamshell, was done.

As I sat on a concrete block and waited for the suped up cars to finish warming up and make their way to line up, I felt curiously detached and yet shaking on the inside. Why? Why would he do this? We had checked the date on the email as I was curious to see when he sent it. April 25th. And yup we were talking again and seeing each other.

I remember his reaction when I told him about the call to be the attending medic at the racetrack. He immediately began going at me, saying I was just looking for boyfriends and I’d be flirting with all the drivers. You know the drill. After that he never mentioned it. There was a weekend I wasn’t sure if they’d be racing because of bad weather, and I had told him I was waiting to for the word. As that particular weekend approached, I thought it interesting that he never asked. We just went through the weekend like it had never been a question.

Well now I know. He didn’t want me being around all those men, so he tried to sabotage the job. Underhanded, sneaky, fearful narcissist. And yet. Him Cheating with porn and live strip chat and live sex was ok. Knowing full well that I didn’t like that crap and had told me repeatedly that he didn’t do that shit or jerk off. So many times, over the 2 ½ years and for the longest time I believed him despite going weeks and months without sexual intimacy.

So stupid…. I’m sorry, I’m still a work in progress! Not stupid…. We are never stupid, we love, and we hope and we WANT to believe in them. We’ve been trained, haven’t we? Never question them. It’s the classic double, triple standard. He can do what he wants, but not his mate.

You know what I learned over the last 6 or 8 months? To pick the times to question, to start those conversations and to keep a promise I made to myself that I would no longer be a coward. I was losing respect for myself so fast it made my head spin so I made a determination after enduring a few hours of him raging at me and finally crawling into bed exhausted. The next morning (we were onsite at the road construction job we did together) I made my way to the construction site, parked the FA truck and went for a walk and just took in the beauty of a marshy meadow with the stream meandering its way towards the culvert, trees framing the meadow in with pine, spruce, poplar and birch. With a lot of deep breathing and startling clarity I decided then and there ….. no more. No more cowering in the corner, head down. F*ck that. I was going to begin standing for me.

It started small but even in his rages I began to quietly and purposefully STAND for myself. No one was coming to rescue me, so I needed to do it, be my own knight in shining armor. Very tarnished armour at first, but I began putting one foot in front of the other and oh it did wonders for my self respect and that tarnished armour. I still struggled but with little corrections here and there I soon could feel my heart mending. God and me, we were busy mending the broken places, the lost and bruised places. I believe you can do it too. Little ways until you can get away, little ways to build yourself up. You ARE worthy! You truly are.

Be safe and remember something for me will you? You are NOT a liar, you’re a survivor. You’re not what they say you are. That is how they control.

I’ll tell you a trick I learned from my time in counselling for PTSD. I built a box in my mind. A plain silver box (make yours however you want to envision it) with a large complicated lock.

I stored rebellious thoughts in the hidden compartment in my mind. So he couldn’t see them. And then I’d open that box and take one thought out. Close up the lid, lock it again and walk that thought out. Whatever it was, I would walk it out.

Sometimes this was excruciatingly hard. I started small and it was worth the fear and anxiety and struggle. After the first, then the second and then the third they became easier and easier. You know why? Cause I LIKED how I felt when I respected myself enough to stand for ME. I was slowly re-building my self respect.

I promise, one day you will wake up and the blinds will have just dropped away and you will see him for who he really is. Warning on this... it is a shock to the system, for you love this man (or woman) but now, now you see their true selves. And dear hearts, it will set you free. The truth of who they are will set you free.

Until tomorrow, keep yourselves safe and live for the little joys and moments. They will help sustain you.

May 31st 0540

Good morning

I woke with gladness in my heart this morning. The heaviness and anxiety was mostly absent upon awakening and I am just so thankful. I made coffee and moved Blackjacks litter out to the dining room once more. I like to keep it close to him as he is so small and the possibility of him being too lazy to travel that far has me moving it nightly to the bedroom.

Ok, so I’ve accomplished so far; garbage take out, tidying and organizing items and putting them in their proper place, dyed my hair (waiting on the timer before showering), made my bed, opened the curtains to let the sunshine in, washed the few dishes in the sink, wiped down counters, dealt with two kitty litter boxes, and I’m back talking with you all.

Some dread has snuck back in, low level anxiety and so on. I found in my junk mail today, while searching for something else, two notices from FB stating that a new Samsung 21 (which can only be him) had logged into my fb account. Friday and yesterday.

I did the only sane thing and changed my password to ‘No More Shit 2022’ and contemplated my reaction to the attempt to break into my fb account.

I’ve come to conclude that I am still in the subjugated narcissist victim mindset. Feeling the need to go through everything I’ve done in the last 11 or 12 days on fb and other things wondering what he’s going to get mad about now and I’m not even freaking with him anymore, nor have I reached out to anyone or done anything wrong. But the brain is still functioning on high alert despite me being alone and able to make my own decisions. He is NO longer in control of my life, and yet in some ways the residual effects are still resonating within me.

Freedom will take time to adjust to apparently. This is going to be a journey fraught with pitfalls and valleys and mountains to climb. It’s disturbing and frustrating to know that I still have those automatic responses. And yet with that same thought comes the knowledge that It will take time, lots of time and to be gentle yet firm with myself in this regard. I know logically that after 2 ½ years that flight response, that victim mentality will not disappear overnight or within a week, two weeks a month. I must re-train my mind.

I AM IN CONTROL NOW, not him. Not my abuser, my captor, my personal monster.

No longer.

Stay strong everyone.