Alone with the Devil...

These past days have been fraught with loneliness...of looking about me and seeing no one near...as I watch others go off on weekends with friends, with family...as I witness each one in my life active within their family circles...as I see on facebook the lives of those precious and those in the outer circle of friendship travelling, loving, experiencing all life has to offer...

Thrown into sharp relief is the life I lead...a son who loves me, forever and always, and two forever friends who support and encourage...but, beyond work compatriots who i love dearly and spend each workday in the beauty of God's creation with, I am alone...

Oh, I do not wish to complain. No...you see I am content in the space i am in...alone is ok dear treasures, however, it does not mean loneliness does not creep in to whisper words of pain and sorrow, of loss...

This morning as I began my daily routine and readied for a day of fun on quads and far off places I listened to a Pastor speak on Anxiousness...as I puttered around, attempting to not trip over the large animal at my heels hoping for food falling from the counter, I listened with half an ear hoping for a tidbit myself. Something to feed wisdom and knowledge into an open well, somewhat empty from fighting off the demons that sneak in to whisper fear and anxiety.

What I heard only fueled frustration and not a little bit of anger over the uninformed...blame falls upon the head of the sinner 'asking for deliverance from deals made with the devil.'

Oh, my friends...while the understanding is there for choices made throughout our lives that can turn disastrous, choices made to over-consume alcohol, drugs, sex and so on...it does not touch upon the reasons for those choices.

Pain and trauma is forgotten in light of an entity we have hand clasped with, climbed into bed with...lays blame at the feet of each and every woman (or man) trapped in a loveless marriage, an abusive situation, an ongoing traumatic memory resurfacing with all the finesse of a bull in a china shop.

It transport each lost one, each survivor BACK to thoughts of self-blame, self-sabotage, fault and responsibility for the actions of others upon their person.

As I eased into my chair to take a moment to eat and reflect with music playing in the background, I took a breath. It is not meant, or i surely hope it was not meant, for the broken, for the lost, for the child seeing physical violence each day, for the woman bearing up under the mental onslaught of being a victim of rape, for the woman sporting bruises from the past few days of rage inflicted upon her by her christian husband.

This...this is where my anger rises to the surface and wonders at the ignorance, the lack of understanding that within that large church a grand portion have been inflicted with abuse of some kind or another. Is it not time for those shepherding their sheep to learn, to study, to educate themselves when speaking from a position of power?

They have the ability to shame, to blame, to re-victimize those in their congregation.

I hope for better, I hope and pray for the man I listened to this morning...but I would speak truth and hope for understanding, for comprehension, for change.

Let us each watch our words as we speak to others for we know not what each one is going through in that moment, or has experienced and has the hellish, monumental task of climbing out of that pit to heal, to mend without words striking them down once again.

I choose each day to live in faith to a God I choose to follow, to believe in with every inch of my being.

Experience has taught me of a supernatural life all round us.

Experience has taught me that in calling out to God, I was saved from death on more than one occasion.

The uninformed would say i deserved what I got. The uninformed would speak on choices made.

Oh my dear treasures...you did NOT choose violence upon your person...you did NOT choose the grandiose narcissist speaking vile words over you...you chose a man with love in his eyes, words of love and affection spoken...you chose love, not knowing that behind the mask lived a monster of epic proportions, until it was too late and you were imprisoned, tormented and tortured for loving, for caring, for choosing empathy and compassion, for bringing light and grace to a man who mirrored those very things.

Ah, what hell is heaven, what heaven is hell? The choice belongs to the abuser...to do evil, to shake hands with the devil.

Let us take each day and find goodness, find light and continue on this journey of life gifted us. I choose grace, I choose mercy...

May God wrap you in arms of love, in arms of peace and comfort as you travel along a road filled with pitfalls and triggers. May you feel His strength fill your tired bones and weary mind.