Forgiveness...

This morning as the sun rises on the Eastern horizon, lighting up the sky with myriad shades of purple, showcasing the mists that have crept across fallow fields with skeletal fingers, I sit with purpose of thought. I let thoughts come and flow right on through, speaking to God with and without words. So much anger still...oh, dear friends all...this does not end and the conclusion I have come to is this; it should not come to an end.

It is not only anger at the person, no, that fades in time to something approaching manageable levels. Dear treasures, that anger is life, it is pointing to injustice, to wrong-doing, to closure being a fantasty, a dream if you will. At this point those who have not had cause to see one person as evil, as a monster of epic proportions, may see this as a philosophy run off track.

I would ask that you first think on having your life systematically broken down, your sanity played with like a high stakes poker game, your well being and physical state a Wimbledon championship, your spirit and soul mashed, crushed with hammer and tong.

Reflect on seeing ZERO justice in the free fall; in the dark days following the crash when mind, heart, spirit cried out in rebellion and rage at the depravity of acts created specifically for your destruction.

Then...then come to a survivor with talk of forgiveness, of love and thoughts on salvation of the monster.

Heap upon the victim of crimes responsibility that does not belong to them. They have borne a weight unlike anything you have experienced. They have borne atrocities you will never know, nor understand until they happen to you. God forbid.

Forgiveness is not and should not be the first thing to come out of your mouth, no matter the compassion behind it...no pity, no patronizing speech of change only coming through forgiveness.

I struggle this morning to put into words the frustration and crushing responsibility these words bring. I wrestle with these things with the background of christianity and belief I sit in and with, myself.

Once more being asked, tasked, judged on something that was out of their control, on living in a pit of hellish actions and supposedly finding a way to separate the trauma being heaped upon them, with forgiveness.

No, my dear friends, that is not the path....each survivor is already overburdened with finding forgiveness for themselves, in finding somewhere to put the shame, the grief, the sorrow without THAT being thrown in their face. By speaking thus, you throw everything they've gone through to the ground, discarded and un-important and stamp on it with a smile...

The onus is and should be on the abuser, the monster...let those words trickle and flow through your lips. Let anger at the injustice spew forth...every survivor needs that validation, that 'I got your back, how dare he?' type attitude.

In my own life, in my early time away from that cesspool, thoughts were as far from forgiveness as the East is from the West...not even on the radar...it was only as time passed, as those broken pieces were slowly picked up and placed lovingly, gently back where they belong that I began to think of forgiveness as part of MY healing process.

This does not mean it is for everyone...I am coming to believe that it is not even necessary...oh more than that! I am beginning to see, to know, to understand that it has nothing to do with healing, with leaving behind.

You see dear treasures, trauma lives written in every bone, every muscle, every pump of the heart, every fibre of your being holding space for memories that continually trickle up and out for your viewing pleasure...

Trauma is an imprinted memory, an indelible mark on psyche, on spirit, on soul, on that soft heart...it does not get left behind, no. As much as we'd love a little amnesia, a lot of amnesia to blot out the recollections that sweep and blow.

It is carried within....as we heal, as we find our way and who we are, we develop inner and outer musculature to hold it with grace, with compassion.

I know many, many who would disagree...many who stand on the word of God and preach forgiveness as the be all and end all of healing.

What i've come to see is this; it is a personal journey and what works for you, may not work for everyone. For those without faith, without a religion they believe in and hold tight to, this line of thinking holds no water. And for those with faith, with a belief that grounds them, provides a foundation of stone, this too may not sit right.

Lord knows I have struggled with the concept of forgiving a serial abuser, a monster of such note that no one willingly deals with him. He lives a life believing himself above the law in that little hamlet of Fraser Lake. He does not understand forgiveness, does not believe in anything but the law of Dave...spoken from his own lips, that HE is a god and should be called master.

Oh the delusion...and forgiveness plays not one whit in this process, only what can be gained, stolen, siphoned from the next victim, the next source of supply.

I have spoken forgiveness, early on...for me. For my beliefs that careen around within my head that say I MUST...ah dear friends, that is not God's way. There is no MUST, there is only MAY...you may choose to forgive or not, it affects your relationship with God not one iota. Instead, we work on our finding grace within, seeking healing and forgiveness for events we had no choice in or risk death.

You. May. Say. Dramatic.

I. Say. Truth.

After standing hovering over the edge of life's precipice...and brought back as I tumbled over, with a gasp, breathing once again. And that after fighting back...for all those who tend to say they'd never let it happen to them, they'd fight back.

You are borne upon a tide of violence and hope...never wishing to see the beast let loose once again, though it comes regardless. Sit in understanding dear friends, not judgement. You can not KNOW the terror, you cannot know the depths of depravity until you have borne them upon your body, your mind, your spirit.

My hope, my prayer this morning is a release from what you THINK, or what you have been TOLD you must do to find that healing. You will find what is right for YOU...it will come as you walk that path of healing; that still small voice within will whisper words of love, of comfort, of peace, of mercy, as it guides you along.

Find YOUR way dear treasues, dear lost ones. Forget about that man (or woman) you have left behind when it comes to your own very personal way across the mountain, through the valley of bones, against the expanse of ocean waiting you.

God be with you, keeping you safe, coming in with comfort and peace, mercy and compassion for each step you take.

You are worthy of more, so stand tall, head held high as you face the day...daughter of the King, formed and fashioned, created for more.